Daddy Never Hugged Me

Bewbs

2009-12-16T22:58:00.000-08:00

From: William Manning

To: John Cassidy

Date: December 3 2009

Subject: I Heard From a Mutual Friend

That you were into bewbs. If you'd like to see some, I just broke up with a girlfriend and am rather vehement about getting back at her. The friend who suggested I send these to you chose to remain anonymous (not the /b/ kind)!

William Manning

From: John Cassidy

To: William Manning

Date: December 3 2009

Subject: Re: I Heard From a Mutual Friend

hey.. whos this and whars bwebs?

MR. CASSIDY [-_-]

From: William Manning

To: John Cassidy

Date: December 3 2009

Subject: Re: I Heard From a Mutual Friend

Dear Mr. Cassidy,

This is Will! We've met only a handful of times, and I wouldn't have remembered who you were had our friend not reminded me. However, I need to make sure it's you, so if you can just answer a question about yourself. What color is your hair, and do you wear glasses? I don't mean to be meddlesome, but I don't want to send ex-girlfriend bewbs to just anybody.

Cheers,

William Manning

From: John Cassidy

To: William Manning

Date: December 3 2009

Subject: Re: I Heard From a Mutual Friend

hey this is john cassidy still have no idea.. i have glasses and brown hair. where do i know you from and we are you?

From: William Manning

To: John Cassidy

Date: December 3 2009

Subject: Re: I Heard From a Mutual Friend

Howdy John!

Can't believe you don't remember me! Ah well. Well yes, John has brown hair and wears glasses, so that must be you! Anyhoo, you're most definitely who I think you are! No other John could possibly have brown hair and wear glasses!

Will

From: John Cassidy

To: William Manning

Date: December 3 2009

Subject: Re: I Heard From a Mutual Friend

where's the pic dude? but lol im not who u think i am and where do we know each other form?

MR. CASSIDY [-_-]

From: William Manning

To: John Cassidy

Date: December 4 2009

Subject: Re: I Heard From a Mutual Friend

Mr. Cassidy,

I'm sorry, but I really can't send you any photos if you insist on knowing my identity! I already told you that we do know each other, but our mutual friend wished to remain anonymous, so I can't give you too much info on myself! However, if you're willing to overlook your inquiries, I would be more than happy to send you pictures!

Cheers,

Will

From: John Cassidy

To: William Manning

Date: December 4 2009

Subject: Re: I Heard From a Mutual Friend

dude i dont know you!!

MR. CASSIDY [-_-]

From: William Manning

To: John Cassidy

Date: December 7 2009

Subject: Re: I Heard From a Mutual Friend

Mr. Cassidy,

If you truly feel that way, I guess I'll have to accept it. However, I can give you a hint that the mutual friend knows something that you did not all that long ago that you ruin you if it ever got out! Don't worry, this isn't blackmail, nor a written threat. I'm just sayin'. So I can ruin you.

Wanna see pictures?

Will

From: John Cassidy

To: William Manning

Date: December 7 2009

Subject: Re: I Heard From a Mutual Friend

no i have no idea! what are you talking about and reply faster not every 2 days dude!! i nees you to explaine this whole tging to me now!!

MR. CASSIDY [-_-]

From: William Manning

To: John Cassidy

Date: December 7 2009

Subject: Re: I Heard From a Mutual Friend

My good sir,

I'm truly sorry for not responding promptly enough to sate your curiosity! It's just that between my job as a night watchman and my court-appointed volunteering at the Center for the Blind and Disenchanted, I have very little time to check my e-mails. I assure you that I am not ignoring your messages. You're one of the few people in my inbox who are not pressuring me into enlarging my penis size. I don't respond to my grandmother's emails anymore because of that. Your emails are very important to me, as I know a few things about you that I find both intriguing and shocking (if you are indeed John Cassidy)! However, I was just checking my spam before you emailed me, and I found that your email appeared in my spam folder. Are you sure you're legitimate? I don't want to go spilling secrets to a spammer or anybody from South Dakota. I know far too many people in SoDak to leak any important information online.

Your friend,

Will

From: John Cassidy

To: William Manning

Date: December 8 2009

Subject: Re: I Heard From a Mutual Friend

ok.. but im not from sd

MR. CASSIDY [-_-]

From: William Manning

To: John Cassidy

Date: December 8 2009

Subject: Re: I Heard From a Mutual Friend

Oh John,

That's great! My heart hiccuped when you told me you weren't from South Dakota! Sorry, I'm a rather chatty person! I was simply wanted which state you were from, originally. At least it's not South Dakota, but there are some other states that are just iffy. My second cousin Agatha was assaulted by urban pigeons in Tennessee once. It was awful. The news was spread all through my family like spam mail! Hardly any of my relatives will venture anywhere near Tennessee. Except my great uncle Earl. He lives there. We don't talk to him anymore.

Best wishes,

Will

From: John Cassidy

To: William Manning

Date: December 9 2009

Subject: Re: I Heard From a Mutual Friend

u no what stop emailing me because ur a fuckin wierdo sorry if that offendes u but just leave me alone i have no fuckin idea who u r or what the fuck you want so just stop and never tal to me again!

MR. CASSIDY [-_-]

From: William Manning

To: John Cassidy

Date: December 9 2009

Subject: Re: I Heard From a Mutual Friend

Hey buddy!

I'm sorry if we got off on the wrong foot, but I assure you that I am not fucking a wierdo! I have a little too much self-respect for something like that. Now, I hope we can patch things up, because you are a great, great person with a beautiful mind. Just your email address alone shows me how clever and creative you are! Don't worry, John, I'll talk to our friend and see if he can set us up on a date so we can get to know one another. I'm confident in the fact that you will find me a marvelously agreeable person when you meet me face-to-face! How does Saturday work for you? I have to rake my yard in the early morning, but I will be free around noon. How does lunch sound?

Looking forward to it!

Will

From: John Cassidy

To: William Manning

Date: December 9 2009

Subject: Re: I Heard From a Mutual Friend

stop deflecting my question.. where do i know you from?

MR. CASSIDY [-_-]

From: William Manning

To: John Cassidy

Date: December 9 2009

Subject: Re: I Heard From a Mutual Friend

John,

Howdy! Funny weather today, huh? Winter is such an odd thing. Anyhow, I'm afraid I can't trust that you won't try to rob my house if I give you my address. It's not that I don't trust you personally, but I'm a rather distrustful of people, especially when it comes to giving out my address. I was robbed no less than three months ago, and I expect someone from South Dakota or Tennessee did it. Their dirty fingerprints were all over the place, but the police never found the thieves. I hope you don't take it personally, but I'm pretty sure YOU were the one who robbed my house!

Also, if you try to get my address from me, I will have to inform the authorities. I sincerely hope you are not a thief, but if you are, I say shame on you. I honestly hope this isn't the case, but I'd really like you to stop trying to finagle secure information from me. I must warn you, I know the head of the petty theft subcommittee in the police department.

Where do you want to meet up on Saturday? Is 12:30 good for you? I have to take my dog in for a pelvic exam at 10:00, after I finish raking my yard, but that should be over by noon. I'll wear a green sweater with orange cats on it so you can recognize me.

Will

From: John Cassidy

To: William Manning

Date: December 9 2009

Subject: Re: I Heard From a Mutual Friend

dude im not a theif i honestly dont know u so yhea!!

MR. CASSIDY [-_-]

From: William Manning

To: John Cassidy

Date: December 10 2009

Subject: Re: I Heard From a Mutual Friend

John,

Do you insist on being difficult? If you don't want to meet up, that's fine. I would just appreciate it if you would tell me outright, instead of toying with my emotions. I am a fragile person, John. Quite fragile. In fact, I don't even get enough calcium or iron in my diet, because I cannot absorb Ca or Fe properly, and therefore have very weak bones. I was once pushed down a flight of stairs by a man in a three-piece suit, and broke seventeen bones in my body. Do you know how bad it hurts to break seventeen bones at once? I was in the hospital for two months recovering. I'll never be able to thrust my pelvis forward like I used to. My girlfriend Nancy broke up with me because I couldn't even be on bottom, it hurt so bad. I cried for months afterward. Now all I can do is buy sex toys online, because I am too ashamed to go into the adult megaplex just a few miles from my house. The FedEx guy joked about how many times he'd been to my house in the past year! The FedEx guy laughed at me! Do you know how stinging that is? DO YOU JOHN? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THAT HURT ME AS A MAN?!

Yet you deny me your company for thirty minutes. We could be best of friends, you never know. You say you don't even know who I am, so why are you judging me? If you're scared about meeting someone who makes you laugh, makes you feel good on the inside, then let me tell you this: you shouldn't be scared. I can show you what it means to have a friend, if only you would open your heart and mind.

Your dear friend,

Will

From: John Cassidy

To: William Manning

Date: December 10 2009

Subject: Re: I Heard From a Mutual Friend

you know will i believe you need some help i dont know from where or from who but i believe you just have alit of problems. ok? i honestly have no idea eho you are or where the hell u are so i cabt even meet you for coffee. also who gave you this email? and dont give me bs about an anonomus friend i wany facts so we can straightin this whole thing out amd what were you talkin about pics about? What are the pics of? You kniw what surprise me! Send them my way!

From: William Manning

To: John Cassidy

Date: December 10 2009

Subject: Re: I Heard From a Mutual Friend

Apologize and I will.

From: John Cassidy

To: William Manning

Date: December 10 2009

Subject: Re: I Heard From a Mutual Friend

for what?

MR. CASSIDY [-_-]

From: William Manning

To: John Cassidy

Date: December 10 2009

Subject: Re: I Heard From a Mutual Friend

GODDAMNIT JOHN DONT FUCK WITH ME I WILL RUIN YOUR LIFE

From: John Cassidy

To: William Manning

Date: December 10 2009

Subject: Re: I Heard From a Mutual Friend

wtf all im askin for is what do u eant me to apoligize for and what do you have on me thats so bad?

MR. CASSIDY [-_-]

From: William Manning

To: John Cassidy

Date: December 10 2009

Subject: Re: I Heard From a Mutual Friend

I CAN'T TELL IF YOU'RE FUCKING WITH ME JOHN. IF YOU'RE FUCKING WITH ME YOU BETTER BE PREPARED TO FACE SOME EPIC LIFE BATTLES. I DON'T MEAN YOU DON'T HAVE MONEY FOR RENT THIS MONTH. I MEAN YOUR LEG JUST GOT BROKEN IN SIX PLACES AND NOW YOU DON'T HAVE HEALTH INSURANCE BECAUSE A CERTAIN WILLIAM MANNING MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, HAS YOUR GOD DAMNED SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER AND WILL WIPE YOU OFF THE FACE OF THE GOD DAMNED DIGITAL PLANET. YOU BETTER NOT BE FUCKING WITH ME HOW DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT I AM SAYING ARE OYU REALKAFY THAT AUFSDCKING DSAFUT ALS:DFH:LAKFJ{Q#IOJ

From: John Cassidy

To: William Manning

Date: December 11 2009

Subject: Re: I Heard From a Mutual Friend

how did you get it? n i have my card inmy safe dude u dont have it sorry to tell you that. now wher are my pics??

MR. CASSIDY [-_-]

From: William Manning
To: John Cassidy
Date: December 11 2009
Subject: Re: I Heard From a Mutual Friend

Dear John,

Did I send you any of "your" pictures? I forgot. I'm not 100% sure why you're looking for pictures of yourself. That's rather egocentric, don't you think?

Will

From: John Cassidy
To: William Manning
Date: December 11 2009
Subject: Re: I Heard From a Mutual Friend

no but just stop emailing me ok ur hattasing me now and if this continues i will have the cops on you ok? so stop from niw on no more emails and im not john cassidy fool!!

MR. CASSIDY [-_-]

From: William Manning
To: John Cassidy
Date: December 11 2009
Subject: Re: I Heard From a Mutual Friend

My dear friend,

I am in no way calling you a fool, so the title "John Cassidy Fool" would surely not apply to you! I'm also unsure what you meant when you erroneously stated that I was "hattasing" you. I'm sure you meant to spell "assisting," as this is indubitably what I am accomplishing here! I'm very glad you feel that my assistance is noteworthy, as I try to help people out!

Will

From: John Cassidy To: William Manning
Date: December 11 2009
Subject: Re: I Heard From a Mutual Friend

no i meant ur harassing me u fool!!

MR. CASSIDY [-_-]

From: William Manning
To: John Cassidy
Date: December 11 2009
Subject: Re: I Heard From a Mutual Friend

John,

How can you say that I'm harassing you? We're friends! Do you happen to be Nigerian? I know that "harass" means "to be good friends" in Tamasheq. I'm sure this is the case!

Will

From: John Cassidy
To: William Manning
Date: December 11 2009
Subject: Re: I Heard From a Mutual Friend

dude leave me aline k!! ur crazy!! so stop emailing me!!

From: William Manning
To: John Cassidy
Date: December 11 2009
Subject: Re: I Heard From a Mutual Friend

When do you want to meet up for coffee?

From: John Cassidy To: William Manning
Date: December 11 2009
Subject: Re: I Heard From a Mutual Friend

i dont wNt no cofee get it throufh ud head i dont like u n i dont know yo uur crazy ok.. so leave me alone n im blockin u so u dont bother me Nymore!!

MR. CASSIDY [-_-]

From: William Manning
To: John Cassidy
Date: December 11 2009
Subject: Re: I Heard From a Mutual Friend

Okay, John! I love you.

From: John Cassidy To: William Manning
Date: December 11 2009
Subject: Re: I Heard From a Mutual Friend

leave me alone bitch!!

MR. CASSIDY [-_-]

From: William Manning
To: John Cassidy
Date: December 11 2009
Subject: Re: I Heard From a Mutual Friend

Your words say "no" but your lovely emoticon says "yes."

Truly a Great Bottle

2009-12-03T14:19:00.000-08:00

To a woman advertising a rather large Southern Comfort bottle:

From: William Manning
To: Charlene Crawford
Date: November 19
Subject: Southern Comfort Bottle

Dear SoCo Connoisseur,

Really?

William

From: Charlene Crawford
To: William Manning
Date: November 20
Subject: Re: Southern Comfort Bottle

Are you interested in purchasing this bottle?

It is truly a great bottle, I am 5’5”, and it comes up to my knee,

Biggest bottle I have ever seen!!!

Thank you

Charlene

From: William Manning
To: Charlene Crawford
Date: November 20
Subject: Re: Southern Comfort Bottle

Charlene,

What is wrong with it?

Will

From: Charlene Crawford
To: William Manning
Date: November 21
Subject: Re: Southern Comfort Bottle

Absolutely nothing.

It is used for display only, they are not sold. They are destroyed.

It is empty and always has been, although it is sealed as the bottles for sale.

It is a Genuine Giant Southern Comfort glass bottle, with all the labels and Southern Comfort embossed on the sides.

It is the real thing, need I say more.

I would be more then happy to meet you somewhere if you would like to see it.

Thank you

Charlene

From: William Manning
To: Charlene Crawford
Date: December 1
Subject: Re: Southern Comfort Bottle

Charlene,

I'm sorry my response time was so latent. However, I traveled to Louisville to see the Brown-Forman Corp. headquarters, and to inquire about this type of bottle. Mr. Hotchkins (I believe that is how it is spelled), informed me that these types of bottles are NOT produced by their corporation. He also advised me not to purchase this from you, as it is most likely a scam, and to inform the police.

Cheers,

Will

From: Charlene Crawford
To: William Manning
Date: December 1
Subject: Re: Southern Comfort Bottle

Will

Get a grip – don’t even waste your time to entertain the thought that I would believe this statement (I traveled to Louisville to see the Brown-Forman Corp. headquarters) over a $15.00 bottle.

Call who ever you like – you already missed the chance to own this bottle.

The purchaser is a collector and he is/was more then happy to pay me the asking price.

So, get over yourself and your BS.

Charlene

From: William Manning
To: Charlene Crawford
Date: December 2
Subject: Re: Southern Comfort Bottle

Charlene,

Well, I must say, I am rather offended. I in no way intended to hurt your feelings with my last email. I'm not sure why you do not believe my statements. We have never met, so how can you claim they are false? I'm and more than happy for the collector, although I'm sure that when he figures out the bottle is a fraud, he will politely request his money back. I would be more than willing to show you the letter of verification Mr. Hotchkins wrote for me.

Cordially,

Will

From: Charlene Crawford
To: William Manning
Date: December 2
Subject: Re: Southern Comfort Bottle

Look, I don't know who you are either, and I'm happy to keep it that way. IT IS NOT FAKE Stop emailing me and fuck off.

From: William Manning
To: Charlene Crawford
Date: December 2
Subject: Re: Southern Comfort Bottle

Language, Mrs. Crawford, language.

From: Charlene Crawford
To: William Manning
Date: December 2
Subject: Re: Southern Comfort Bottle

FUCK. OFF.

From: William Manning
To: Charlene Crawford
Date: December 2
Subject: Re: Southern Comfort Bottle

I found a toothpick in my shoe today.

From: William Manning
To: Charlene Crawford
Date: December 2
Subject: Re: Southern Comfort Bottle

It sure was lovely.

These Are Quaklity Mares

2009-10-01T23:12:00.000-07:00

Some perverted individual selling a mini-mare or two.

Apparently it is dead.

From: William Manning
To: Rodolfo F.
Date: Fri, Sep 18, 2009
Subject: Mini Mare Wanted

Hello there!

My name is William Manning, and I am wondering whether your miniature mares are still for sale. I only need one, and feel that this "Star" will be a great addition to my residence! However, I am wondering how much space this little one needs.

Thanks!

William

From: Rodolfo F.
To: William Manning
Date: Sat, Sep 19, 2009
Subject: Mini Mare Wanted

well star is for sale with her foal for 1,200 at the moment the colt doesnt need much space at all!

also i have another mini mare bred for a 2010 baby who is all chestnut with a tiny bit of roaning in the rear area!!she is about 3in shorter then star! im asking 1,000 she is bred to the same stallion star was

From: William Manning
To: Rodolfo F.
Date: Sat, Sep 19, 2009
Subject: Mini Mare Wanted

Rodolfo,

While the other chestnut sounds attractive, I believe I'm only in the market for Star and foul. However, if a plausible enough deal arrives, I might be persuaded to take them as a package. The roaning is really what turns me off from the second mare, as it is not my favorite, aesthetically. How much space are we talking here? I have around 90 worth of space for her.

Cheers,

William

From: Rodolfo F.
To: William Manning
Date: Sat, Sep 19, 2009
Subject: Mini Mare Wanted

90 SQFT?? or acres??

an the roaning is not really noticable itz like 1 spot on here hind leg

From: William Manning
To: Rodolfo F.
Date: Mon, Sep 21, 2009
Subject: Mini Mare Wanted

Good sir,

I'm shocked that a reasonably seasoned horse owner such as yourself would even insinuate that I meant ninety square feet! As we all know, that is nowhere near enough space for any sort of animal, let alone a mini mare! But I digress. I am glad the mare's roaning is not very noticeable. I think I can overlook one small flaw. What does she eat?

William

From: Rodolfo F.
To: William Manning
Date: Tue, Sep 22, 2009
Subject: Mini Mare Wanted

well you never know with ppl these days!!

and at the moment they eat a mixture of horse and mule sweet feed mixed in equal parts with steamed rolled oats

From: William Manning
To: Rodolfo F.
Date: Tue, Sep 22, 2009
Subject: Mini Mare Wanted

Hello again,

I'm sorry to keep emailing you. I would love to call you to talk about these mares, but my prized Friesian Boog was having her hinds cleaned, and she peed all over my leg, which obviously soaked my phone to the core. Now that I look back on it, it's rather laughable! At the time, of course, I simply got frustrated, and had to go clean up, so Boog never got her hinds cleaned! She smelled pretty awful for the next two days, but I eventually got my son, Peckham, to give her a good once-over. I also agree that you never know with people these days! I never know what people are feeding their mares, as you have proven to me! Feeding mares a mixture of horse and mule--what a strange idea. But hey, if it works for you, I say go with it!

Cheers!

William

From: Rodolfo F.
To: William Manning
Date: Tue, Sep 22, 2009
Subject: Mini Mare Wanted

so are you interested still or not??

From: William Manning
To: Rodolfo F.
Date: Tue, Sep 22, 2009
Subject: Mini Mare Wanted

Good sir,

Did I or did I not initially say I was interested? Come, my friend, use your head! These are obviously gorgeous animals... Who could not possibly be interested?!

William

From: Rodolfo F.
To: William Manning
Date: Tue, Sep 22, 2009
Subject: Mini Mare Wanted

ok well when would you like to come out and look at them???

From: William Manning
To: Rodolfo F.
Date: Thu, Sep 24, 2009
Subject: Mini Mare Wanted

Hello again,

I'm sorry I haven't responded in a bit. I've been out at my ranch in Amarillo, so I have no access to internet out yonder. But yes, I would love to look at them. However, before I make any traveling commitments, I have another make-or-break question. I've gotten over the coloration on the hind, and am considering purchasing them both. I am planning on using these mares in my independent, sensual reenactments of classic films.

Have the mares been bred before, how photogenic are they, and are they easily spooked by loud abrupt noises or jerky movements? You've been so helpful! Thank you so much! I'm looking forward to seeing these mares!

William Manning

From: Rodolfo F.
To: William Manning
Date: Sun, Sep 27, 2009
Subject: Mini Mare Wanted

they are bomb proof horses no spook in them at all!! and yes they are very photogenic i belive

From: William Manning
To: Rodolfo F.
Date: Sun, Sep 27, 2009
Subject: Mini Mare Wanted

Hello again!

I was worried there after you did not respond for a few days that you had forgotten about me! Of course, now that I hear from you, I know that cannot be the case, and verily, I say I am relieved. However, you did not answer whether or not the horses had been bred. They are going to be up to their chests in breeding, both with horses and other species, so I want to make sure they have had practice.

Best regards,

William Manning

From: Rodolfo F.
To: William Manning
Date: Sun, Sep 27, 2009
Subject: Mini Mare Wanted

yes they have been

From: William Manning
To: Rodolfo F.
Date: Mon, Sep 28, 2009
Subject: Mini Mare Wanted

All right, here's what you're going to do:

Bring the mares in separate vehicles. No trailers, so make sure the vehicles can fit mini mares. Dress in a non-assuming attire, ie. no hammer pants or flannel. Oxfords will suffice. Don't wear sunglasses. Arrive at my place after dark. If you see a white Ford F150 out front, that's mine. However, if there is a green Geo Metro, DO NOT APPROACH THE HOUSE. That is my wife's. She should be gone by dark, as she works graveyard shifts at the organic strawberry farm down the road. I want the mares to be in leather outfits. If you do not have leather horse outfits to spare, buy some. I will pay you back. When you arrive (assuming there are no complications), keep the horses in the car, tether them to my front porch, and walk them out. DON'T WALK THEM OUT WITHOUT TYING THEM. I will give you several of my previous videos and payment if this tickles my fancy. I'm sure someone even such as yourself can follow instructions as simple as these.

William Manning

From: Rodolfo F.
To: William Manning
Date: Mon, Sep 28, 2009
Subject: Mini Mare Wanted

i dotn play games mother fuckiner these are quaklity mares and i dnt need a dumb fuck like y ou playing games@!!!!!!!!!

From: William Manning
To: Rodolfo F.
Date: Mon, Sep 28, 2009
Subject: Mini Mare Wanted

Good sir,

This is no game. This is life, and those are mini mares. I'm not what you're insinuating, but unless you're some twisted, terrible human being, mare are not games. Now, I can understand playing a life-size game of chess or checkers or Parcheesi with mini mares and full-size stallions, but I don't feel like you have this in mind. This, of course, leads me to comprehend your being as twisted. I cannot believe I am considering purchasing mares from the likes of you. Games, sir? Games? Do you want a "mother fuckiner" like me buying these mares or not? I'm utterly appalled, and unless you give me an apology right away, I will only purchase one.

Cheers!

William

From: Rodolfo F.
To: William Manning
Date: Mon, Sep 28, 2009
Subject: Mini Mare Wanted

lol dont make me laugh what is a game is telling me to bring them in leather ect... ect.. and that you might pay me!!!!!!

From: William Manning
To: Rodolfo F.
Date: Mon, Sep 28, 2009
Subject: Mini Mare Wanted

I do apologize if I made you laugh. I don't feel that a serious business endeavor should in any way be a laughing matter! I'm beginning to become suspicious of your tales. I'm not thoroughly convinced that you have the mares at all! Furthermore, my friend, a few simple requests should not, nor should they ever be, considered a game.

Also, I said I might pay you, because I wanted to make sure you held up your end of the bargain! Of course I intend to pay you if you perform your tasks appropriately! I am shocked and appalled. Shocked. And. Appalled.

I have hitherto been quite accommodating with you, although I am starting to question the existence of these "mini mares," and I am not thoroughly convinced that you weren't attempting to perform some sick robbery/violation of my person.

But I digress... the mares?

Cheers,

William

From: Rodolfo F.

To: William Manning
Date: Mon, Sep 28, 2009
Subject: Mini Mare Wanted

well if you are still interested in my miniature mares yoy can come see them

From: William Manning
To: Rodolfo F.
Date: Mon, Sep 28, 2009
Subject: Mini Mare Wanted

Only if you apologize for being so rude.

From: Rodolfo F.

To: William Manning

Date: Tue, Sep 29, 2009

Subject: Mini Mare Wanted

fuck off you dubm piece of shit

From: William Manning
To: Rodolfo F.
Date: Tue, Sep 29, 2009
Subject: Mini Mare Wanted

Well, that certainly isn't what most believe to be an apology, but if you really, really mean it, I can accept it and go see those lovely mares.

William

I Did Not Sale You Any Comforters

2009-08-24T19:23:00.000-07:00

To a woman advertising a garage sale, with items including comforters.

From: William Manning
To: Brenda Rayhem
Date: Wed, Aug 19, 2009 at 1:24 AM
Subject: Monday's Garage Sale

Dear sir or madam,

I recently attended your garage sale, having found it on Craigslist. I purchased a large comforter, and went home with it anticipating great comfort to be had. But alas, when I arrived, I found that the comforter offered me no comfort. In a fit of discomfiture, I placed the item in my bathroom, hoping someone might derive some semblance of comfort from it. I do not work on Saturday, so I will drop the comforter off at your place. I will be sure to wrap it properly, and deliver it to you in person, along with lint I scraped off of it. You seemed like a nice person (if the person I purchased it from is, indeed, you), but your wares were misleading and disappointing. I am sure we can arrive at some agreement. I am hoping that you will allow me to take another similar item from your residence. That would, of coure, be only fair.

Yours,

William

From: Brenda Rayhem
To: William Manning
Date: Wed, Aug 19, 2009 at 10:49 AM
Subject: Re: Monday's Garage Sale

I did not sale any comforters in my garage sale on Monday. I think you have the wrong email address.

From: William Manning
To: Brenda Rayhem
Date: Wed, Aug 19, 2009 at 5:51 PM
Subject: Re: Monday's Garage Sale

Oh no, I believe you are indeed mistaken. I purchased a comforter from your garage sale, and double-checked to confirm that it was your address on the ad, and it was! So either you are lying to me, or (as I'm sure the case may be) you are simply mistaken, and did indeed sell a comforter. It is, of course, and easy thing to mistake, as you probably sold many items. But this will all be clarified when I drop off the comforter.

Cheers!

William

From: Brenda Rayhem
To: William Manning
Date: Thu, Aug 20, 2009 at 10:15 AM
Subject: Re: Monday's Garage Sale

I had 2 comforters in the garage sale on Monday and I still have them. So i know i'm not lying to you. You must be mistaken me for someone else. I have the 2 comforters that were in my garage sale, so i know i didn't sale anyone any comforters.

From: William Manning
To: Brenda Rayhem
Date: Thu, Aug 20, 2009 at 2:16 PM
Subject: Re: Monday's Garage Sale

Well, Brenda, I'm glad you're still in possession of two perfectly good comforters that will, hopefully, bring me great comfort. Not like this one you (or your evil, non-comforting comforter saleswoman twin) sold me. This, of course, means that you will not be aggrieved at my trading mine for one of yours! I'm glad we're in concurrence. See you Saturday!

All the best,

William

From: Brenda Rayhem
To: William Manning
Date: Thu, Aug 20, 2009 at 4:34 PM
Subject: Re: Monday's Garage Sale

No, I did not sale you any comforters. I know what I had and what I sold and I did not sale any comforters. You can go ahead and show up and when you do, we will call the police on you. I do not like being harassed by someone I do not know and did not sale something to. I don't know who you are, or why you are bothering me, but I did not sale you any comforters,and you will not get anything from me or out of me.

From: William Manning
To: Brenda Rayhem
Date: Fri, Aug 21, 2009 at 2:48 AM
Subject: Re: Monday's Garage Sale

Brenda,

I feel that you have me mistaken! I am aware that you did not sell me what you intended to! You attempted to sell me a comforter, and I gleaned no comfort from it, so I understand that you don't feel that you sold me anything. However, when I do show up on Saturday, I am sure the police will also understand my dilemma. I would be cautious calling any law enforcement officers, though, as you might be the one breaking the law. You are the poor woman who sold false items, and that, my dear woman, is breaking the law. We might settle this humanely, by you giving me your comforting comforter, or you can go to jail. The choice is yours, Brenda. Decide wisely.

Yours,

William

From: Brenda Rayhem
To: William Manning
Date: Fri, Aug 21, 2009 at 9:11 AM
Subject: Re: Monday's Garage Sale

You are mistaken me. I did not sale you any comforter. You have the wrong person. I have a witness that knows what I had and what I sold. I did not sale any comforters. You show up here Saturday, the cops will be here. I do not like being accused of anything that I did not sale,and don't like being harrassed either.When you go to a garage sale, and you buy an item, it is buy the item as is, no bringing anything back or none of that. You can do whatever you want to with the comforter, but you will not get anything from me.

[shortly thereafter]

From: Brenda Rayhem
To: William Manning
Date: Fri, Aug 21, 2009 at 10:16 AM
Subject: Re: Monday's Garage Sale

What time will you be at my place tomorrow and what's the address that you are showing up to??So that way the cops can settle this.

From: William Manning
To: Brenda Rayhem
Date: Fri, Aug 21, 2009 at 11:28 AM
Subject: Re: Monday's Garage Sale

Brenda,

I have devised a solution that should settle the matter. While you claim the comforter is not yours, and I cannot begrudge you this, I have made several improvements upon it. Firstly, I have removed the gaudy colors from it with the magical powers of bleach. I tie-dyed it all shades of magnificent. I have also embroidered a wonderful picture of my zebra fish onto it, making it one of the most beautiful pieces of decor I have yet to lay eyes on. I'm sure you will agree when you see it. I assume this will settle the matter, as I have taken a worthless item that I purchased from you (or your counterpart) and have greatly increased its value. I estimate the value of the comforter to be somewhere in the $100 range. Of course, it offers no comfort (as I have mentioned several times), so instead makes a great throw rug or tapestry. This being said, I will no longer require you to make a trade with me, and instead, I only ask that you proffer up a mere $60. I am taking ~40% off it's resale value! I'm sure no intelligent human being can resist such an offer!

Oh, and I am terribly sorry to disappoint, but my work called me earlier this morning, and I must work until late in the afternoon on Saturday. I would stop by after work, but my zebra fish requires a stringent diet and strict feeding times. I would stop by after I feed him/her (as it is very difficult to discern the sex of a zebra fish), but extenuating circumstances have forced me to travel northwards, towards the region of Round Rock, for a benefit gala honoring my brother-in-law, Steve. I do believe I am free on Monday, around 5:00, and feel it my duty to swing by your place. Don't worry, it shouldn't take long, if all goes according to plan. You will have a fabulous tapestry in naught but three days time!

Look forward to seeing you,

William

From: Brenda Rayhem
To: William Manning
Date: Fri, Aug 21, 2009 at 12:27 PM
Subject: Re: Monday's Garage Sale

Well, sir we are all getting a big laugh out of this whole matter! Keep the joke up, we're enjoying it very much. I promise you if you show up here you will find the cops waiting for you. They know when you will be here.

bye

From: William Manning
To: Brenda Rayhem
Date: Sat, Aug 22, 2009 at 1:53 AM
Subject: Re: Monday's Garage Sale

Well, Brenda, as I have offered you many a thoughtful solution, it seems to me that you are unwilling to compromise. That being said, I shall return your comforter, and request nothing more than your mere heartfelt gratitude. I will accept no monetary compensation, although when you see the comforter, I am sure you will be ecstatic with its current condition (much better than the condition it was previously in), and will no doubt offer me gratuitous sums of money or comforter-like materials for it! I hope you realize that I am now simply offering you a gift, as we seem to be, at least somewhat, friends now, as we have exchanged more than a dozen emails!

Friends forever,

William

From: Brenda Rayhem
To: William Manning
Date: Sat, Aug 22, 2009 at 10:33 AM
Subject: Re: Monday's Garage Sale

I do not want the comforter. You do with it as you please, but do not bring it to my house. I didn't sell you anything and am not going to give you anything for you bringing me a comforter that I didn't sell to you. If you do not like it, throw it away, sell it to someone else. We are not friends, I do not consider you a friend at all. The reason for these emails is to let you know I did not sell the comforter to you and I do not want you to come to my house to bring me a comforter that you totally redid.

From: William Manning
To: Brenda Rayhem
Date: Sun, Aug 23, 2009 at 1:45 AM
Subject: Re: Monday's Garage Sale

Brenda,

I understand if you feel uncomfortable taking a gift from somebody you just met. But, as things stand, I feel that we have a heartfelt friendship ahead of us, so you need not feel uncomfortable! Would you like me to wrap the comforter, or would you have me not bother?

Thanks!

From: Brenda Rayhem
To: William Manning
Date: Mon, Aug 24, 2009 at 6:23 PM
Subject: Re: Monday's Garage Sale

Nobody showed up today an you better consider yourself lucky. The cops were waiting for you and have your email. If you ever email me again I am suing you for harassment.

bye

From: William Manning
To: Brenda Rayhem
Date: Mon, Aug 24, 2009 at 6:43 PM
Subject: Re: Monday's Garage Sale

Oh, dear Brenda! Verily, I did make an appearance at your residence today, and I did indeed leave you with a gift! Unfortunately, it was rather hot today, and all my shorts were busy in the washing machine, so I had to wear pants, and my car is in the shop after I ran over a small family of quail and they made my intake screwy. So needless to say, I did not want to lug around an amazing comforter for fear of sweating profusely on it. Therefore, I asked my friend Willoughby to drop me and my dog Doug off in your neighborhood. We walked the block several times, and Doug left you a surprisingly tasty treat in your front yard. I got your address so I can send you a care package, which will include the comforter that you so intensely desire!

I saw no cops.

William

From: Brenda Rayhem
To: William Manning
Date: Mon, Aug 24, 2009 at 6:59 PM
Subject: Re: Monday's Garage Sale

I will say this one last time. I do not want any of your crap and you didn't come by with a dog today. I was watching and you didn't even get my address. Only one person walked by today with a dog and it wasnt you.

From: William Manning
To: Brenda Rayhem
Date: Mon, Aug 24, 2009 at 7:07 PM
Subject: Re: Monday's Garage Sale

You don't know me or Doug. Don't judge. You are just jealous that I made your items better and that makes you made. Hope your jealously doesn't inhibit our friendship. I'll send you my address when I mail you the comforter.

From: Brenda Rayhem
To: William Manning
Date: Mon, Aug 24, 2009 at 7:19 PM
Subject: Re: Monday's Garage Sale

We are not friends. Stop messaging me or you will find the cops at your door.

From: William Manning
To: Brenda Rayhem
Date: Mon, Aug 24, 2009 at 7:27 PM
Subject: Re: Monday's Garage Sale

Yes we are.

Ever had shellfish?

2009-08-08T00:20:00.000-07:00

To a lesbian couple renting out a room in their apartment:

From: William Manning
To: Alessa B.
Date: Mon, July 6, 2009 at 6:35PM
Subject: Room for Rent

Hello!
My name is William, but you can call me Bill. I just moved to Austin from Marble Falls, and am staying with a friend of mine. The place you posted sounds great! I feel that you should know a few things about me. I do not smoke, nor do I drink. Drugs are out of the question for me. If you or your housemate do drugs, I would appreciate it if you did it without my knowledge. I know Austin is known for being some "liberal", "progressive" town, and from what I've seen, it's full of nothing but hippies. But that's all right, as long as I'll be living near Manchaca, far from the hustle and bustle of the city. I get off work at 8:00PM Monday-Friday, and insist on at least two hours of quiet time so that I may read the Bible that I have had for over 20 years. I am not one of those Christians that will immediately or militantly try to convert you to Jesus' love. However, after a few months, I am sure that you will see the "light", as it were, and convert from your sinful ways. I also have a zebra fish in a small aquarium.
I would love to hear back from you!
Yours in Christ,
William

From: Alessa B.
To: William Manning
Date: Mon, July 6, 2009 at 7:42PM
Subject: Room for Rent

You're an asshole and I hope your version of "Jesus" can save you from all the "liberal hippies" in Austin, you are in the WRONG place to be spreading this kind of bullshit. We are both Christians and have personal relationships with Christ that don't require your version of the Bible. Ever had shellfish? Then you're going to hell too, see you there.

From: William Manning
To: Alessa B.
Date: Mon, July 6, 2009 at 8:17PM
Subject: Room for Rent

Dear Alessa,
You have me all wrong! I am not looking to witness! I simply feel that my overwhelming charisma will win you over. I am sorry if you misinterpreted my last email. However, I do not feel that I am going to hell. No, I have never eaten shellfish, nor do I wear clothes of mixed cloths, and I stone adulterers when the opportunity presents itself (which was only once).
I am looking forward to moving in with you and your partner! Seeing as how you are both Christians, we can spend many a night discussing the Bible over a delicious meal! The meal will, of course, be prepared by me, as I have impeccable culinary skills, not to mention several food allergies. I simply could not trust somebody else to cook for me. No offense to your cooking, of course! I'm sure you are an exquisite chef, but my health restrictions have seriously limited my palate.
Yours in Christ,
William

Deplorable Christian Soldier

2009-06-29T00:49:00.000-07:00

To a fellow pawning off used Christian/Faith books:

From: William Manning
To: Neal Fellowsby
Date: Fri, Jun 19, 2009 at 5:00 AM
Subject: Christian and Faith Books

Dear brother in Christ,

My name is William Manning, and I found your ad online regarding the Christian and faith books for sale. You have offered your books for $20, and I find this to be an incredibly generous offer. I was wondering if you could give me more information about the books (their history, their value, etc). I am very interested in them. Thank you!

Yours in Christ,

William

From: Neal Fellowsby
To: William Manning
Date: Fri, Jun 19, 2009 at 10:03 PM
Subject: Christian and Faith Books

Hey man,

one is about a journey through faith.

another is a guys trip seeing other cultures and faith

one is about preaching and understanding preaching

i mean just go google them and you can get a much better description than what ill give you!

let me know

in christ

Neal

From: William Manning
To: Neal Fellowsby
Date: Sun, Jun 21, 2009 at 2:47 AM
Subject: Christian and Faith Books

Brother Neal

I would Google your books, if I had a list of them. Unfortunately I don't have that list in front of me. If you haven't sent me a list by the morning, I am assuming I will still have it by then. I will pray for several minutes tonight before departing consciousness for the Lord to deliver me the names of the books. I know God does not grant tangible items to the selfish, but I must admit that this is a guilty pleasure of mine. Speaking of which, I would like your opinion on the matter. Do you feel that I will go to hell if I pray for God to grant me things? I find myself to be a child of God with a pure heart, but I don't know, the Lord works in mysterious ways. Anyways...

Yours in Christ,

William

From: Neal Fellowsby
To: William Manning
Date: Sun, Jun 21, 2009 at 8:50 AM
Subject: Christian and Faith Books

Is God Calling Me? by Jeff Iorg (quantity 10)
Devos for Sports Fans by John and Kathy Hillman
The Case for Faith by Lee Strobel (Includes DVD)
He Is Not Silent by R. Albert Mohler, Jr.
The Unexpected Adventure by Lee Strobel and Mark Mittelberg

know you wont go to hell asking for things...you shouldnt cause in the bible it says God provides for all your NEEDS. but you wont go to hell for asking. everyone has guilty pleasures

From: William Manning
To: Neal Fellowsby
Date: Mon, Jun 22, 2009 at 12:50 AM
Subject: Christian and Faith Books

Neal

I have looked up your collection online, and it only intrigued me further! However, I feel that a man who is obviously loved by God as much as you should ask for much more than a mere $20! Could I offer you $19 and a picture of a framed portrait of our Virgin of Guadalupe? It has been in my family for over 2 years, and it is one of my most famous possessions! Everyone who comes over asks about it! It is 8ftx11ft and hangs just inside of my front door. I've gotten almost ten questions about it already! Thank you so much for existing, brother Neal

Yours in Christ,

William

From: Neal Fellowsby
To: William Manning
Date: Mon, Jun 22, 2009 at 3:23 PM
Subject: Christian and Faith Books

I don't really want your painting man money will do

From: William Manning
To: Neal Fellowsby
Date: Mon, Jun 22, 2009 at 9:24 PM
Subject: Christian and Faith Books

Oh, no! It's not a painting at all! It's a PICTURE of a portrait of a painting. It is much more eclectic and spiritual than a mere painting. How many people can you honestly say own something quite as unique as this? The picture fills me with joy, and I am sure you would love to have it in your home. It livens any room it resides in! I have attached a picture of the image. While it is not the original, it is the exact same image. I'm sure that once you see it, as long as you are a true believer, you will absolutely die for it.

William

From: Neal Fellowsby
To: William Manning
Date: Mon, Jun 22, 2009 at 9:55 PM
Subject: Christian and Faith Books

dude i am a true believer. but i dont want your art man. im sorry but i dont dude.

From: William Manning
To: Neal Fellowsby
Date: Mon, Jun 22, 2009 at 11:23 PM
Subject: Christian and Faith Books

No no, it's not MY art! I think you have overestimated my skills, I could not possibly create something as awe-inspiring as this image. I'm assuming you are confused as to what I will be sending you. When should I get this to you? I can either drop it off in front of your place, or we can get together somewhere for drinks at a burger joint or something, and I can give it to you then! I'm looking forward to these books, Neal!

William

From: Neal Fellowsby
To: William Manning
Date: Mon, Jun 22, 2009 at 11:43 PM
Subject: Christian and Faith Books

yeah i know you didnt paint it. i got that much. i dont want it man like at all i dont want it. all im looking for is cash! if its so inspring to you, you should keep it!

From: William Manning
To: Neal Fellowsby
Date: Mon, Jun 22, 2009 at 11:53 PM
Subject: Christian and Faith Books

Oh no, that's perfectly all right, I have several copies of it in an old box under my bed. I would not at all be sorry to lose but one of these images, as it would spread the joy of our Lord to the masses! However, I understand if you do not want to trade some picture for a slew of books. I can throw in my crucifix for you, as my second offer! The crucifix is made of real, solid wood, and the Lord Himself is cast in pure bronze. I have attached a picture so that you may appreciate it.

William

From: Neal Fellowsby
To: William Manning
Date: Tue, Jun 23, 2009 at 9:24 AM
Subject: Christian and Faith Books

Cash! All i want is cash!

From: William Manning
To: Neal Fellowsby
Date: Wed, Jun 24, 2009 at 5:22 PM
Subject: Christian and Faith Books

Brother Neal,

Let me remind you of the fair and holy words of our good saint Matthew: "Do not worry, then, saying 'What will we eat?' or 'What will we drink?' or 'What will we wear for clothing?' For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." (Mat 6:31-33, of course)

Now, I have followed the Lord's word, as it is spoken in Deuteronomy 16:17 "Every man shall give as he is able, according to the blessing of the LORD your God which He has given you"

Now, Neal, I'm sure you can understand that I am truly praising the Lord by giving you these fair gifts in exchange for your books. If you fear the eternal fires of hell (as all good Christians undoubtedly should), I would follow the word of the good Book.

God's love,

William

From: Neal Fellowsby
To: William Manning
Date: Wed, Jun 24, 2009 at 5:53 PM
Subject: Christian and Faith Books

what does that mean? i'm tired of this. do you want the fucking books or not?

From: William Manning
To: Neal Fellowsby
Date: Wed, Jun 24, 2009 at 6:22 PM
Subject: Christian and Faith Books

Brother Neal,

Oh my. I am shocked and slightly appalled at your language. A Christian disciple such as yourself should know better than to take our Lord's name in vain.

From: Neal Fellowsby
To: William Manning
Date: Wed, Jun 24, 2009 at 6:46 PM
Subject: Christian and Faith Books

i ddin't even used his name in vain what the fuck are you talking about stop emailing me! you are a moron and wasting my time.

From: William Manning
To: Neal Fellowsby
Date: Wed, Jun 24, 2009 at 6:52 PM
Subject: Christian and Faith Books

Good sir, I am again shocked and appalled. May I have those books, please?

From: Neal Fellowsby
To: William Manning
Date: Wed, Jun 24, 2009 at 7:25 PM
Subject: Christian and Faith Books

i dont want that fuckign picture and i dont want your statue. youre not getting any books from me so stop emailing me.

From: William Manning
To: Neal Fellowsby
Date: Wed, Jun 24, 2009 at 6:52 PM
Subject: Christian and Faith Books

You, my fine friend in Christ, are a deplorable Christian soldier.

From: Neal Fellowsby
To: William Manning
Date: Wed, Jun 24, 2009 at 7:25 PM
Subject: Christian and Faith Books

wtf I am not a bad Christian. stop emailing me or i am calling the cops.

From: William Manning
To: Neal Fellowsby
Date: Thur, Jun 25, 2009 at 3:43 AM
Subject: Christian and Faith Books

Good sir,

What will you possibly tell the police officers that you call? "Hello, my name is Neal and I am calling to report a man who is trying to save me from eternal damnation. I would really love to spend the rest of my life in hell"? Think, sir, think.

William

From: Neal Fellowsby
To: William Manning
Date: Thur, Jun 25, 2009 at 11:23 AM
Subject: Christian and Faith Books

fuck off

From: William Manning
To: Neal Fellowsby
Date: Thur, Jun 25, 2009 at 3:21 PM
Subject: Christian and Faith Books

I apologize for having to deny your last request. I am unmarried, so cannot have carnal relations with a woman. I dare not ignore the word of the good Book, hence I will spend eternity in paradise, unlike certain individuals who refuse the love of our Lord and Savior.

Best regards,

William

Maid of Honor Dress

2009-06-19T00:33:00.000-07:00

To a woman trying to sell an old maid of honor dress:

From: William Manning
To: Jennifer Gangstad
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 5:59 AM
Subject: Maid of Honor Dress

Hello! I am replying to your ad about the Peridot maid of honor dress. The dress reminds me so much of another piece I used to have, but unfortunately grew out of. One too many years of cubicle work and brewskies will do unfortunate things to ones' figure. But I have overcome any self-conscious feelings, and have decided that it is time to try to fit into a 18 again. Your ad stated that the price was negotiable, but listed as $125. Would you be willing to accept $75 and an item valued at no less than $50?
William

From: Jennifer Gangstad
To: William Manning
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 1:04 PM
Subject: Re: Maid of Honor Dress

HELLO THERE WAS SOMETHING I FORGOT TO PUT IN THE AD MY SISTERS WEDDING WAS ON BRIDEZILLAS THE DRESS IS ALSO ON THE SHOW. WHERE DO YOU LIVE? I LIVE IN BROWNWOOD BUT WILL BE IN AUSTIN ON THE 28TH OR 29TH OF THIS MONTH IN A LITTLE OVER A WEEK PLEASE LET ME KNOW THANKS
Jennifer Gangstad

From: William Manning
To: Jennifer Gangstad
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 3:06 PM
Subject: Re: Maid of Honor Dress

Jennifer,

I live in Waco, a short drive east of Brownwood. The fact that the dress was on a rather well-known TV show changes my offer! I absolutely love that show. I would watch it with my godchild, Albert, when I was still allowed to see him. So this dress now offers me some sense of nostalgia! So my new offer is as follows: $100 cash and an item worth no less than $100.

From: Jennifer Gangstad
To: William Manning
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 3:41 PM
Subject: Re: Maid of Honor Dress

I can mail the dress to you I forgot about that if you want me to do that. You can either send me the money via western union. Or money gram and as soon As I get the money I will send it that day I just need your address just let me know ok and 100 is fine I know you will enjoy the dress as much as I did but I only wore it for a couple of hrs just let me know k
Jennifer Gangstad

From: William Manning
To: Jennifer Gangstad
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 4:12 PM
Subject: Re: Maid of Honor Dress

Before I give you any personal contact information, I would like to know a few things about the dress. First of all, I am in no way a slim man. My measurements are 38"x34"x36", so would this dress fit my figure well? If it is a two-piece, I would like having a LITTLE belly exposed, but not too much--I don't want to have to shave more of my stomach than necessary. I am thick in the thighs, but not in the bottom, so could the dress fit width-wise? I plan on going to Austin in about two weeks and spend many hours on 6th Street. I hope to look as good as possible. You know the dress better than I, so I hope I am not overestimating the size of this dress.

William

From: Jennifer Gangstad
To: William Manning
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 4:33 PM
Subject: Re: Maid of Honor Dress

No I is a one piece dress the only will you will probably need to wear a Padded bra. it will fit perfect the dress is also. Has spaghetti strap which is a plus
Jennifer

From: William Manning
To: Jennifer Gangstad
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 5:08 PM
Subject: Re: Maid of Honor Dress

...What? I'm sorry, but the last few emails were rather unintelligible. I believe I got the gist of it, though. So you will include a padded bra? That sweetens the pot quite a bit. I always feel awkward buying bras for myself, so from time to time I have to ask a friend to buy them for me. Will spaghetti straps expose too much of my back? I have some patchy back hair and a mild case of bacne. What're we talking exposure-wise with regards to my back? Thank you for being so helpful!

William

From: Jennifer Gangstad
To: William Manning
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 5:48 PM
Subject: Re: Maid of Honor Dress

No I'm sorry it does not have a bra with it. The dress comes with a shawl so you should not be able to see much of your back, only your shoulders. Get one of your female friends to buy you a strapless bra and you will look fabulous!
Jennifer

From: William Manning
To: Jennifer Gangstad
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 6:08 PM
Subject: Re: Maid of Honor Dress

Oh I am so excited about this dress!! I'm even more excited about having made a new friend! It's so nice that you would call yourself a "female friend" of mine!!! Do you like putt-putt? I love getting all snazzy and playing a few rounds! One of my favorite places is this putt-putt place in Austin that has a giant T-Rex. Since you're going to Austin on the 28th or 29th, maybe we could meet up and play some putt-putt! If you enjoy classy bars, I have one in mind that ALL the cutest Austin boys hang out at. I'm giddy with excitement!

From: Jennifer Gangstad
To: William Manning
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 6:14 PM
Subject: Re: Maid of Honor Dress

I am married my husband probably would not like that too much
Jennifer

From: William Manning
To: Jennifer Gangstad
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 6:18 PM
Subject: Re: Maid of Honor Dress

The bar is called Rain! It is a gay bar, so you can tell your husband that none of the men will be hitting on you! Maybe I can meet your husband, too! He must be a good man to be married to somebody who can own a dress as lovely as yours! Which day works best for putt-putt for you? I can most easily do the 29th, but the 28th works well, too! Looking forward to it Jennifer!

William

From: Jennifer Gangstad
To: William Manning
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 6:30 PM
Subject: Re: Maid of Honor Dress

I am not sure if we will be able To we are only gonna pass through. We have to be in san Antonio to meet some people
Jennifer Gangstad

From: William Manning
To: Jennifer Gangstad
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 6:35 PM
Subject: Re: Maid of Honor Dress

That's a great idea! I adore San Antonio! So we'll meet for some mini-golf, and take a road trip to San Antonio! How are we getting down there? I don't have a car of my own at the moment, so I'd need to ride with you. I can bring my road trip mix, but it's on cassette. So I hope your car has a cassette player. If not, I can bring my tape player, and we can listen to all the best music! How long are we staying in San Antonio?

William

From: Jennifer Gangstad
To: William Manning
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 6:48 PM
Subject: Re: Maid of Honor Dress

If you are still interested in buying the dress let me know and if you want you can pay by money gram or western union when you pay for it let me know. And I will mail it to you

From: William Manning
To: Jennifer Gangstad
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 6:53 PM
Subject: Re: Maid of Honor Dress

How about I just give you cash when I see you?

William

From: Jennifer Gangstad
To: William Manning
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 6:53 PM
Subject: Re: Maid of Honor Dress

That would be ok only that I also put the dress on ebay I haven't cked to see if anyone has placed a bid I did not want the dress tosit in the closet that is why I put it on craigs list and ebay so if you really want the dress I suggest that you pay by westrern union or money gram and I can mail it to you after you pay for it and it should get to you via mail in a Couple of days after that
Jennifer Gangstad

From: William Manning
To: Jennifer Gangstad
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 7:03 PM
Subject: Re: Maid of Honor Dress

I'm sorry if you can't accept cash. I understand that as this will be my first meeting with your family, I'd rather look professional and pay you by check.

From: Jennifer Gangstad
To: William Manning
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 7:21 PM
Subject: Re: Maid of Honor Dress

If you want to mail me a ck you can once I cash it I will sent the dress just let me know if you want to do that
Jennifer Gangstad

From: William Manning
To: Jennifer Gangstad
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 7:31 PM
Subject: Re: Maid of Honor Dress

So are you rejecting my offer of an amazing friendship? If so, I have to tell you that I am thoroughly offended. You are just another one of those people that hate me because I don't fit the typical profile of a "man." I took you for a good person. I truly hope that you are better than that. Don't let me down, Jennifer. I am still intrigued by the dress.

William

From: Jennifer Gangstad
To: William Manning
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 7:31 PM
Subject: Re: Maid of Honor Dress

That's not it we can be friends I just have a lot of family stuff to deal with now so I can't meet you. Hope no hard feelings
Jennifer Gangstad

From: William Manning
To: Jennifer Gangstad
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 7:51 PM
Subject: Re: Maid of Honor Dress

I understand. You think that I'm some "sensitive" wuss who can't handle the fact that you actually are intolerant of people who are not in the norm. I realize that you're lying when you say we can't be friends. I cannot believe how insensitive you are being right now, Jennifer.

From: Jennifer Gangstad
To: William Manning
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 8:01 PM
Subject: Re: Maid of Honor Dress

I AM NOT BEING INSENSITIVE. PLEASE STOP EMAILING ME.

From: William Manning
To: Jennifer Gangstad
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 8:17 PM
Subject: Re: Maid of Honor Dress

You're a terrible friend.

I Will Take the Rock and the Marmot

2009-06-17T15:07:00.000-07:00

A man attempting to sell/trade his 1,200 Yu-Gi-Oh trading cards:

From: William Manning
To: Jim Yourke
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 6:28 AM
Subject: Yu-Gi-Oh Cards

Mr./Ms. Yu-Gi-Oh,

My name is William, and I live on 162nd and Grant, so around your area. I heard about your offer through a friend of mine, who is an avid collector. I am rather new to this specific field of cards, but am no novice when it comes to collecting. I am willing to trade you well over $400 worth of vintage NASCAR trading cards for your collection of 1,200 cards. I had my friend, Seamus, appraise the list for me, and I am impressed. I believe that this is just what I need to jump start my Yu-Gi-Oh collection! If you are interested, I have listings of all my cards and their respective pricings.

William

From: Jim Yourke
To: William Manning
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 8:37 AM
Subject: Re: Yu-Gi-Oh Cards

Let me know what else u got???

From: William Manning
To: Jim Yourke
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 2:57 PM
Subject: Re: Yu-Gi-Oh Cards

Good sir, one question mark will suffice. I recognize a sentence ending with a question mark as a question. Three make me uncomfortable, as it is too asymmetrical. Anyhow, to trading... My cousin-in-law Joseph just moved out of his parents' house into an apartment, and had to give up his pets. I received his marmot, Steve, who cost Joseph a good $350. He is a good pet who makes very little noise, and doesn't chew on anything other than my used socks. I think he likes the smell. I recently bathed him and trimmed his unruly pelt, so I'm assuming his monetary value has at least risen $30. You may feel free to sell him or keep him as your own.

From: Jim Yourke
To: William Manning
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 3:23 PM
Subject: Re: Yu-Gi-Oh Cards

So what dose he comes with

From: William Manning
To: Jim Yourke
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 3:35 PM
Subject: Re: Yu-Gi-Oh Cards

Steve comes with all the accouterments common to marmots. I have inherited (and am willing to give you) an over-sized hamster ball typically used for ferrets. I have a large terrarium for him, but that is mostly for him to sleep in. He doesn't enjoy being cooped up for more than six or seven hours a day. I also have a 30-lb bag of bedding for him, which should last a good 18 months. He eats melon rinds and miscellaneous vegetables. You can just give him leftovers (as long as it's not meat), and he will love you forever. I also have a 250 page marmot instruction manual, and an extensive collection of marmot toys.

From: Jim Yourke
To: William Manning
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 3:44 PM
Subject: Re: Yu-Gi-Oh Cards

U said u had other stuff can u tell me of all the things u have to trade. because i like the the offer but I don't know if my wife is going to like it I have too talk to her when she gets home.but let me know what else u got

From: William Manning
To: Jim Yourke
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 4:05 PM
Subject: Re: Yu-Gi-Oh Cards

Well, in the same vein of pets, I have a cobalt blue tarantula from Myanmar. Her name is Nargis (after the cyclone that hit Myanmar), and she is a gorgeous shade of cobalt. When I first got her, she was rather timid and spent most of her time in her burrow. However, after some prodding and tempting with dead mice, she came out of her hole and since then, she has been a lovely out-of-the-house critter. She eats primarily mice, but it is possible to feed her crickets and raw meat. From time to time, she will jump repeatedly at the sides of the terrarium, but this is just her way of showing affection. I would not advise putting any body part near her.
I still have many options available.

William

From: Jim Yourke
To: William Manning
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 4:09 PM
Subject: Re: Yu-Gi-Oh Cards

Sorry tarantula is a no my wife will kill me what else u got.

From: William Manning
To: Jim Yourke
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 4:22 PM
Subject: Re: Yu-Gi-Oh Cards

Are you sure you don't want the tarantula? It is absolutely beautiful, and has an amazing sheen when in the right light. She requires an almost constant supply of water, so you need to wet her sponge four or five times a day. She loves to sit on the damp sponge, so you will have to find a way to remove her from it before dousing it. If you're still hesitant on the tarantula, I have several archeological artifacts that I found while near Cholula in Puebla, Mexico. They are nearly priceless, but these Yu-Gi-Oh cards are far too tantalizing to pass up, and I have no desire to sell the artifacts myself. They have been appraised at almost $700. I have pictures.

William

From: Jim Yourke
To: William Manning
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 5:17 PM
Subject: Re: Yu-Gi-Oh Cards

wut do u know about it

From: William Manning
To: Jim Yourke
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 5:31 PM
Subject: Re: Yu-Gi-Oh Cards

Well, I'm no archaeologist, but my friend Craig who took me on the excavation is the stepson of a Mesoamerican anthropologist. He assured me it was legitimate. We pulled it from the remains of an ancient burial area, dated to appox. 1100AD. The symbols on the second complete row reportedly translate to either "arrow" or "insect." Craig even wrote a note of authentication that goes with the artifact!

From: Jim Yourke
To: William Manning
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 5:35 PM
Subject: Re: Yu-Gi-Oh Cards

Well I will take the rock and the marmot if u want .

From: William Manning
To: Jim Yourke
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 5:51 PM
Subject: Re: Yu-Gi-Oh Cards

Jim, I offered the artifact and the marmot separately for a reason. Call me superstitious, but because the "rock" was found near a burial mound, I feel that it is imbibed with some sort of supernatural force. My marmot, Steve, will NOT, under any circumstances, go near the rock. He is absolutely terrified of the thing. I attempted to put them in the same room, and Steve simply scurried into a corner and cowered for well over an hour until I moved the rock. You will need to make a decision between the two, or else offer something in addition to the Yu-Gi-Oh cards. I'm sure you can understand.

William

From: Jim Yourke
To: William Manning
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 6:51 PM
Subject: Re: Yu-Gi-Oh Cards

Ok then where r u coming from?? And do u have a pic of the marmot ?? And when can u come drop them off

From: William Manning
To: Jim Yourke
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 7:04 PM
Subject: Re: Yu-Gi-Oh Cards

I live on 162nd on the east side. I can drop them off any time after Friday. I am taking Steve to the veterinarian Friday morning to get a prescription for several ailments. Steve has worms, so you will have to watch his bottom and make sure there are not too many worms dropping on your floor. I believe he also has ocular loiasis, so he will need to take Ivermectin pills three or four times a day. The bill should be no more than $800, so you can just pay me in cash when I drop Steve off.

From: Jim Yourke
To: William Manning
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 7:42 PM
Subject: Re: Yu-Gi-Oh Cards

Well u should of had him healthy and fit and not try to pass off a sick animal for some cards.and for some more info my family is full of veterinarians so all my animal are good and healthy. and the first sign of sickness I take them to my uncle I don't have to wait and make them suffer until friday like some people. So u can bring the marmot if u want and I will take care of him or offer me some thing else .

From: William Manning
To: Jim Yourke
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 7:48 PM
Subject: Re: Yu-Gi-Oh Cards

I love Steve very much. I am not trying to "pass off" a sick animal. I just really need these cards to boost my collection! I will call Steve's vet and cancel the appointment right now. I'm sorry if you have gotten the idea that I do not like my marmot. I'm sure your uncle will take great care of him. I will need to know where to drop Steve and my artifact off. Several friends of mine will be coming along to say goodbye to Steve, and to put their final blessings on the Aztec rock. This shouldn't be a problem at all.

From: Jim Yourke
To: William Manning
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 7:56 PM
Subject: Re: Yu-Gi-Oh Cards

No that's fine I am nyc police officer u can drop it off 47th precinct in the bronx

From: William Manning
To: Jim Yourke
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 8:00 PM
Subject: Re: Yu-Gi-Oh Cards

Okay! So where should my friends have this goodbye party?

From: Jim Yourke
To: William Manning
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 8:04 PM
Subject: Re: Yu-Gi-Oh Cards

What party??? U drop him off say your good byes and off u go...

From: William Manning
To: Jim Yourke
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 8:08 PM
Subject: Re: Yu-Gi-Oh Cards

Yes, that's what I'm saying. I mean, we can call it a shindig if you want--it's doesn't HAVE to be a "party." I've told Charlie and Gina to bring punch, while Adrian's going to hang streamers. Is there any decent place to hang streamers at the 47th precinct? I'm not sure how many more people are coming, but I believe Adrian invited his lab partner, and maybe his lady friend. We'll just walk over there. You should bring some hats or maybe balloons. Steve would love that!

From: Jim Yourke
To: William Manning
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 8:26 PM
Subject: Re: Yu-Gi-Oh Cards

U sed u lived 162st now u are in walking distance of the 47th precinct. I don't know what u are up to and I don't care . Bring the marmot and the rock on sunday and if u waste my time or if the rock is something u made with a marker I am going to lock u and your friends up.. Ps there is going to be no party.

From: William Manning
To: Jim Yourke
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 8:41 PM
Subject: Re: Yu-Gi-Oh Cards

I'm sorry, I forgot that you requested that I not call it a "party." I meant shindig. I talked to Adrian, and he is bringing his lab partner. I don't know her, so I cannot speak to her character, but I'm sure anybody Adrian likes will be all right. I will see you on Sunday, but I don't know how I will recognize you. Can you wear a hat or something? Also, don't forget the balloons.

From: Jim Yourke
To: William Manning
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 8:45 PM
Subject: Re: Yu-Gi-Oh Cards

Your a stupid f**k

From: William Manning
To: Jim Yourke
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 8:48 PM
Subject: Re: Yu-Gi-Oh Cards

I hope you can give me a second chance. I'm sure that once you meet me on Sunday, you will like me. Not to mention that the marmot will completely win your heart.

PS. "You're"

From: Jim Yourke
To: William Manning
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 8:50 PM
Subject: Re: Yu-Gi-Oh Cards

You were trying to rob me and I would have shot u think about that...

From: William Manning
To: Jim Yourke
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 8:53 PM
Subject: Re: Yu-Gi-Oh Cards

But you would lose your badge! I wouldn't want you to lose your job because of some Yu-Gi-Oh cards!

From: Jim Yourke
To: William Manning
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 8:56 PM
Subject: Re: Yu-Gi-Oh Cards

I can see your a dum f**k stop writing me u p***y

From: William Manning
To: Jim Yourke
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 9:01 PM
Subject: Re: Yu-Gi-Oh Cards

Okay.

From: Jim Yourke
To: William Manning
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 9:04 PM
Subject: Re: Yu-Gi-Oh Cards

And how long did it take u to draw the pictures on the rock.
Ps stop playing yugioh and grow up

From: William Manning
To: Jim Yourke
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 9:09 PM
Subject: Re: Yu-Gi-Oh Cards

What?! You're insinuating that the rock is fake? I think I would have recognized marker on a rock as soon as I dug it from the ancient Mexican soil. Just because you cannot recognize history when you see it, doesn't mean the rest of us can't appreciate it! Also, if I stop playing Yu-Gi-Oh, I will lose almost all street cred! Surely a cop such as yourself can see the importance of street cred in a neighborhood such as this

From: Jim Yourke
To: William Manning
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 9:17 PM
Subject: Re: Yu-Gi-Oh Cards

What 162st or 229st u never left ny in your life. That's y u were giving me that rare rock for some yugiho cards man grow up street cred u must be like 16 and no more than 18 farts old. Just stay in school and say no to drugs u little fag

From: William Manning
To: Jim Yourke
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 9:21 PM
Subject: Re: Yu-Gi-Oh Cards

I feel that what you are saying is rather supercilious. Your pompousness and inconsistencies in your story have led me to believe that you never had any cards to begin with. I can't believe you'd put a completely fake ad up just trying to lure innocent people in, so that you may harass them endlessly. I say shame, my good sir. Shame. You have sure taken me for a ride.

From: Jim Yourke
To: William Manning
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 9:28 PM
Subject: Re: Yu-Gi-Oh Cards

Lol I can not put it better words that's what are doing to me but I will add u were trying to meet me some where with your friends and rob me but before that you were trying to scam me out of $$800 for a vet bill for some sick rat. are u crazy

From: William Manning
To: Jim Yourke
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 9:35 PM
Subject: Re: Yu-Gi-Oh Cards

So no shindig?

Ball Pythons

2009-06-16T18:54:00.000-07:00

To a woman selling two baby ball pythons:

From: William Manning
To: Jessica G
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 7:04 AM
Subject: Baby Ball Pythons

A few questions, because this offer intrigues me:
1) How old are the pythons?
2) Are they siblings?
3) Could they successfully eat a tarantula?

William

From: Jessica G
To: William Manning
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 12:49 PM
Subject: Re: Baby Ball Pythons

The pythons are only a few months old. They're not siblings but they're roughly the same age give or take a couple days. And as far as I know I don't think they can eat tarantula? I've never looked into it. I just feed them hopper mice.

Jessica

From: William Manning
To: Jessica G
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 3:02 PM
Subject: Re: Re: Baby Ball Pythons

Jessica,

Do the pythons ever double-team a hopper mouse? Or do they each just eat one? If they're capable of teaming up, then I am confident that they could take down a tarantula. Also, would you consider pythons "babe-magnets?"

From: Jessica G
To: William Manning
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 4:07 PM
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Baby Ball Pythons

No.

Fern-sitter

2009-06-15T13:37:00.000-07:00

In response to a 17-year-old looking for an in-home babysitting job:

From: William Manning
To: Liza
Date: Fri, Jun 12, 2009 at 7:23 PM
Subject: In Home & Overnight Babysitter :)

Hello!
I am writing in response to your ********** ad. I would love for you to sit for me! Although it may not be exactly what you're looking for, I have several ferns that require maintenance while I am at work during the days. I work Monday, Wednesday and Thursdays, so if any of those days are okay for you, it would be great!
I am a paleobotanist, and my ferns have strict dietary and watering needs, but nothing I'm sure you couldn't handle. I am currently researching the early- to post-Carboniferous era and these ferns are essential to my research! I am willing to compensate generously.
Would love to hear back from you!
William

From: Liza
To: William Manning
Date: Fri, Jun 12, 2009 at 7:37 PM
Subject: Re: In Home & Overnight Babysitter :)

Wow! Sorry if this is rude but are you for real or are you a bot? I mean I could do it, but really?

From: William Manning
To: Liza
Date: Fri, Jun 12, 2009 at 7:40 PM
Subject: Re: Re: In Home & Overnight Babysitter :)

No, I am not a bot. Just a word of warning, if you do suspect someone of being a bot, do not respond, as they will have you email address. HA! Now I've caught you. Just kidding, I am William Manning, and live in central Austin.
Now, Liza, if you are feeling up to the task, I will send you a list of responsibilities that you will have to fulfill in order to take appropriate care of my ferns. As cliche as it may seem, they are indeed my babies.
Hoping to hear from you,
William

From: Liza
To: William Manning
Date: Fri, Jun 12, 2009 at 7:56 PM
Subject: Re: Re: Re: In Home & Overnight Babysitter :)

Haha, I'm down. Lay iton me.

From: William Manning
To: Liza
Date: Fri, Jun 12, 2009 at 8:29 PM
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: In Home & Overnight Babysitter :)

Liza,
For reasons of specificity, I am sending you a list of my ferns, along with each of their individual needs. Each plant is labeled at my house, so you will not get confused.

I have 18 ferns of three different families. I have listed the families, and under each are the ferns and their specific familial needs.

Family: Marattiaceae (2 plants)
The plants' names are Stern and Calypso. These are the two plants under the 2500W infrared bulbs. They require exactly 250mL of distilled, deionized water every 65 minutes, which should allow for enough time for the xylem to absorb most of the water. Every two hours, mix in 1.5 tablespoons of calcium carbonate (CaCO3) to the top 1.2 inches of topsoil. 15 minutes after application of the CaCO3, combine 10 mL of iron ferroxide with 1.3g solidified nitrous chloride.

Family: Cibotaeceae (9 plants)
The plants' names are Liza Minelli (coincidence!), Manfred, Antioch, Uvake, Glyndall, Sprite, Triton, Denburry, and Jim. These nine plants are directly to the right of the Marattiaceae plants, under the blue grow-light. You will need to adjust the wattage of the lights every four hours, from 350 to 475W, which requires no more work than turning a dial. These plants require less watering than the previous family. Water them every 90 minutes with 175mL distilled, deionized water. WHILE, I repeat, WHILE watering these plants, please be sure to mix 2g bat guano every three times you water them. Luckily, these are relatively easy to care for. One more thing, you must stroke their frons with two fingers down the stoma (with the grain) right after you water/feed them.

Family: Salviniaceae (7 plants)
The plants' names are Ferny (I know, original), Jonathon, McCallum, Tercel, Hendrix, Louis, and Clark. This specific family of ferns requires the exact same care as the Cibotaeceae ferns above, only with a few additions. After you water AND feed these ferns (with guano), you must stroke the frons of these ferns with two fingers AGAINST the grain. This is very, very important. Every two hours and fourty minutes, you much use a pencil to aerate the topsoil. Make exactly 20 holes per 6" radius pot. This means that for my 12" diameter pots, you will need to make approximately 84 holes. One of my pots is well over 100" in diameter, so the aeration process should take no more than 20 minutes, culminating in approximately 700 holes.

For ALL of the plants sake, I have a constant soundtrack of the ambiant noise of the Amazonian basin playing, so as to recreate the noises of the ferns' families original ecosystems, 360+/- million years ago. This will hopefully not be a problem, but howler monkies are recorded sporadically, and may startle you from time to time. Not to worry, I do not actually own any howler monkies anymore.

Also, I will require your most recent high school transcript, or a signed and notarized report card of your high school biology and/or chemistry classes. I must know that you are a capable, reasonably intelligent woman, who will ensure the proper climate and survival of my precious plants.

If you are still up for the job, let me know.
William M.

From: William Manning
To: Liza
Date: Sat, Jun 13, 2009 at 2:29 PM
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: In Home & Overnight Babysitter :)

Liza,

I am a little concerned that you have not responded to my last email. You have been very prompt in your responses until now. I am hoping that the list of tasks was not too daunting for you. I realize that it seems like a lot of confusing work, but I have everything labeled and on a bookshelf in my house, ready-to-use. If you'd like, I can record the instructions on the tape recorder that I use to take audio notes on. You would not believe how handy a tape recorder is (even in this day and age!) when walking around the park, looking at all the beautiful types of ferns and cycads!

Furthermore, I withdraw my request for transcripts and your science qualifications. I'm sure you will understand that I need somebody reliable, but it seems that it will be nigh impossible to find somebody who is willing to give this information to a paleobotanist. You can work for me even without giving me any form of prerequisite! I am in serious need of a fern-sitter, and will compensate very generously!

Best regards,

William

From: William Manning
To: Liza
Date: Sun, Jun 14, 2009 at 1:18 AM
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: In Home & Overnight Babysitter :)

Liza,

It is 1:15AM now. I am assuming that you have decided to disregard my incredibly generous offer. That is okay, as I have several students who are willing to take me up on the offer. I am hesitant to hire them on, though, for they are pompous grad students who I am certain will attempt to take matters into their own hands and alter my fern-care routine. I am sorry to say that you are missing out on an amazing opportunity! My ferns (especially Liza Minelli), will be heartbroken that you cannot join them on their adventure through maturity.
William

From: Liza
To: William Manning
Date: Sun, Jun 14, 2009 at 12:39 PM
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: In Home & Overnight Babysitter :)

Well it's just that all of that is so much work! I am pretty positive I can do it.. And I'm interested.. but what are we talking pay wise?

From: William Manning
To: Liza
Date: Sun, Jun 14, 2009 at 4:59 PM
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: In Home & Overnight Babysitter :)

Oh, yes. It sounds like quite a bit of work indeed! But once you see these ferns for the first time, I am convinced that you will fall instantly in love with them, and caring for them should be a joy, rather than a burden! I know that once the plants began to sprout, I nearly fell on my knees out of ecstasy. Jim was the first one to sprout, but don't be mistaken! He is not my favorite. I cannot choose just one fern to call my favorite--I love them all endlessly. This has led to quite a few problems with girlfriends of mine, as they get rather jealous of how much I love my ferns. My latest girlfriend, Jeanavi, would complain that we couldn't have a single minute alone, because I was always concerned with my babies. On our first date, I brought Jeanavi back to my apartment to see the ferns, and she was impressed beyond all comprehension! Although later, she told me she was just being nice, but I think she's lying. There's no way one couldn't be enamored with my precious ferns.

So yes, the payment situation. As I said, I am willing to compensate generously for your services. I am willing to pay you $4.00/hr if you decide to work 20 hrs/wk. The minimum wage in Texas is $6.55, so you will of course, not be paid less than that. With that said, after six months of service, you will recieve one of my prized ferns. I have not decided which fern yet. My ferns have been priced at exactly $3,450. Since you are going to be paid (monetarily) $2.55 less than minimum wage, this means that after six months, you will be only $1,224 under the minimum wage, so the fern will put you over that amount by $2,226. So just think of it as making over $2,000 for free! If this works for you, just let me know!! If you would prefer a different form of payment, I am open to considerations.

From: Liza
To: William Manning
Date: Sun, Jun 14, 2009 at 5:02 PM
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: In Home & Overnight Babysitter :)

Where are you located at again?

The payment situation sounds perfect.. I really could use the money. And I know I could do this. Are you sure you want ME to do it?

From: William Manning
To: Liza
Date: Sun, Jun 14, 2009 at 5:16 PM
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: In Home & Overnight Babysitter :)

Oh, great! I'm so excited to have you care for my ferns! Although I am going to lament losing one of my plants, it will be well worth it to know that they are being taken care of. In the past, I have had people misunderstand my payment plan, and believe that I was going to pay them CASH in lieu of my fern, but nay! I am glad you realize that I am indeed paying you $4.00/hr AND a fern! My last "employee" did not realize this until the second month of work, so I was forced to give him two cuttings from my plant, since I could not obviously pay him with a full fern. He was rather disappointed, which is understandable, since he could not get the whole package!

I live on 113 West North Loop 78751. It is just east of Lamar, north of where Lamar and Guad split. My house is easily recognizable because of the fence and the spacious yard and lawn decor.

From: Liza
To: William Manning
Date: Sun, Jun 14, 2009 at 5:25 PM
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: In Home & Overnight Babysitter :)

He thought you were paying him 2000 dollars and the fern plus regular pay? I'm confused now haha.

From: William Manning
To: Liza
Date: Sun, Jun 14, 2009 at 5:35 PM
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: In Home & Overnight Babysitter :)

I'm surprised something as simple as a fern transaction could confuse you. I was under the impression that you were reasonably intelligent. Now I see why you balked at my request for a high school transcript. But let me explain it to you in terms that I feel you should understand.

I will pay you $4.00 an hour. After six months, you will be given a fern that is PRICED at $3,450. You will not actually receive the $3,450. You will receive a fern. Upon receiving the fern, you will be able to do with it what you please, as long as you don't sell it. I cannot stand to have you sell my fern-child. However, I will require that you sign a "no-competition" contract stating that you will not work for another paleobotanist, or become one yourself for a period no shorter than two years. After the two year period, you WILL be allowed to sell the fern. This ensures that you will not spread my secrets to competitors. I have had dozens of paleobotanists attempt to steal my ferns, as they have been deemed the best in the western hemisphere by the United Federation of Carboniferous Flora.

From: William Manning
To: Liza
Date: Mon, Jun 15, 2009 at 3:34 PM
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: In Home & Overnight Babysitter :)

Liza,

As it is taking you far too long for you to make a decision, I have moved on with my life and found a nice student of mine, Winston, to take the job that you so willfully ignored. Now please, please, for the love of god, stop pestering me with emails. Thank you.

William