I Did Not Sale You Any Comforters

To a woman advertising a garage sale, with items including comforters.


From: William Manning
To: Brenda Rayhem
Date: Wed, Aug 19, 2009 at 1:24 AM
Subject: Monday's Garage Sale

Dear sir or madam,

I recently attended your garage sale, having found it on Craigslist. I purchased a large comforter, and went home with it anticipating great comfort to be had. But alas, when I arrived, I found that the comforter offered me no comfort. In a fit of discomfiture, I placed the item in my bathroom, hoping someone might derive some semblance of comfort from it. I do not work on Saturday, so I will drop the comforter off at your place. I will be sure to wrap it properly, and deliver it to you in person, along with lint I scraped off of it. You seemed like a nice person (if the person I purchased it from is, indeed, you), but your wares were misleading and disappointing. I am sure we can arrive at some agreement. I am hoping that you will allow me to take another similar item from your residence. That would, of coure, be only fair.

Yours,

William



From: Brenda Rayhem
To: William Manning
Date: Wed, Aug 19, 2009 at 10:49 AM
Subject: Re: Monday's Garage Sale

I did not sale any comforters in my garage sale on Monday. I think you have the wrong email address.



From: William Manning
To: Brenda Rayhem
Date: Wed, Aug 19, 2009 at 5:51 PM
Subject: Re: Monday's Garage Sale

Oh no, I believe you are indeed mistaken. I purchased a comforter from your garage sale, and double-checked to confirm that it was your address on the ad, and it was! So either you are lying to me, or (as I'm sure the case may be) you are simply mistaken, and did indeed sell a comforter. It is, of course, and easy thing to mistake, as you probably sold many items. But this will all be clarified when I drop off the comforter.

Cheers!

William




From: Brenda Rayhem
To: William Manning
Date: Thu, Aug 20, 2009 at 10:15 AM
Subject: Re: Monday's Garage Sale

I had 2 comforters in the garage sale on Monday and I still have them. So i know i'm not lying to you. You must be mistaken me for someone else. I have the 2 comforters that were in my garage sale, so i know i didn't sale anyone any comforters.





From: William Manning
To: Brenda Rayhem
Date: Thu, Aug 20, 2009 at 2:16 PM
Subject: Re: Monday's Garage Sale

Well, Brenda, I'm glad you're still in possession of two perfectly good comforters that will, hopefully, bring me great comfort. Not like this one you (or your evil, non-comforting comforter saleswoman twin) sold me. This, of course, means that you will not be aggrieved at my trading mine for one of yours! I'm glad we're in concurrence. See you Saturday!

All the best,

William



From: Brenda Rayhem
To: William Manning
Date: Thu, Aug 20, 2009 at 4:34 PM
Subject: Re: Monday's Garage Sale

No, I did not sale you any comforters. I know what I had and what I sold and I did not sale any comforters. You can go ahead and show up and when you do, we will call the police on you. I do not like being harassed by someone I do not know and did not sale something to. I don't know who you are, or why you are bothering me, but I did not sale you any comforters,and you will not get anything from me or out of me.




From: William Manning
To: Brenda Rayhem
Date: Fri, Aug 21, 2009 at 2:48 AM
Subject: Re: Monday's Garage Sale

Brenda,

I feel that you have me mistaken! I am aware that you did not sell me what you intended to! You attempted to sell me a comforter, and I gleaned no comfort from it, so I understand that you don't feel that you sold me anything. However, when I do show up on Saturday, I am sure the police will also understand my dilemma. I would be cautious calling any law enforcement officers, though, as you might be the one breaking the law. You are the poor woman who sold false items, and that, my dear woman, is breaking the law. We might settle this humanely, by you giving me your comforting comforter, or you can go to jail. The choice is yours, Brenda. Decide wisely.

Yours,

William


From: Brenda Rayhem
To: William Manning
Date: Fri, Aug 21, 2009 at 9:11 AM
Subject: Re: Monday's Garage Sale

You are mistaken me. I did not sale you any comforter. You have the wrong person. I have a witness that knows what I had and what I sold. I did not sale any comforters. You show up here Saturday, the cops will be here. I do not like being accused of anything that I did not sale,and don't like being harrassed either.When you go to a garage sale, and you buy an item, it is buy the item as is, no bringing anything back or none of that. You can do whatever you want to with the comforter, but you will not get anything from me.

[shortly thereafter]


From: Brenda Rayhem
To: William Manning
Date: Fri, Aug 21, 2009 at 10:16 AM
Subject: Re: Monday's Garage Sale

What time will you be at my place tomorrow and what's the address that you are showing up to??So that way the cops can settle this.




From: William Manning
To: Brenda Rayhem
Date: Fri, Aug 21, 2009 at 11:28 AM
Subject: Re: Monday's Garage Sale

Brenda,

I have devised a solution that should settle the matter. While you claim the comforter is not yours, and I cannot begrudge you this, I have made several improvements upon it. Firstly, I have removed the gaudy colors from it with the magical powers of bleach. I tie-dyed it all shades of magnificent. I have also embroidered a wonderful picture of my zebra fish onto it, making it one of the most beautiful pieces of decor I have yet to lay eyes on. I'm sure you will agree when you see it. I assume this will settle the matter, as I have taken a worthless item that I purchased from you (or your counterpart) and have greatly increased its value. I estimate the value of the comforter to be somewhere in the $100 range. Of course, it offers no comfort (as I have mentioned several times), so instead makes a great throw rug or tapestry. This being said, I will no longer require you to make a trade with me, and instead, I only ask that you proffer up a mere $60. I am taking ~40% off it's resale value! I'm sure no intelligent human being can resist such an offer!

Oh, and I am terribly sorry to disappoint, but my work called me earlier this morning, and I must work until late in the afternoon on Saturday. I would stop by after work, but my zebra fish requires a stringent diet and strict feeding times. I would stop by after I feed him/her (as it is very difficult to discern the sex of a zebra fish), but extenuating circumstances have forced me to travel northwards, towards the region of Round Rock, for a benefit gala honoring my brother-in-law, Steve. I do believe I am free on Monday, around 5:00, and feel it my duty to swing by your place. Don't worry, it shouldn't take long, if all goes according to plan. You will have a fabulous tapestry in naught but three days time!

Look forward to seeing you,

William





From: Brenda Rayhem
To: William Manning
Date: Fri, Aug 21, 2009 at 12:27 PM
Subject: Re: Monday's Garage Sale

Well, sir we are all getting a big laugh out of this whole matter! Keep the joke up, we're enjoying it very much. I promise you if you show up here you will find the cops waiting for you. They know when you will be here.

bye



From: William Manning
To: Brenda Rayhem
Date: Sat, Aug 22, 2009 at 1:53 AM
Subject: Re: Monday's Garage Sale

Well, Brenda, as I have offered you many a thoughtful solution, it seems to me that you are unwilling to compromise. That being said, I shall return your comforter, and request nothing more than your mere heartfelt gratitude. I will accept no monetary compensation, although when you see the comforter, I am sure you will be ecstatic with its current condition (much better than the condition it was previously in), and will no doubt offer me gratuitous sums of money or comforter-like materials for it! I hope you realize that I am now simply offering you a gift, as we seem to be, at least somewhat, friends now, as we have exchanged more than a dozen emails!

Friends forever,

William




From: Brenda Rayhem
To: William Manning
Date: Sat, Aug 22, 2009 at 10:33 AM
Subject: Re: Monday's Garage Sale

I do not want the comforter. You do with it as you please, but do not bring it to my house. I didn't sell you anything and am not going to give you anything for you bringing me a comforter that I didn't sell to you. If you do not like it, throw it away, sell it to someone else. We are not friends, I do not consider you a friend at all. The reason for these emails is to let you know I did not sell the comforter to you and I do not want you to come to my house to bring me a comforter that you totally redid.




From: William Manning
To: Brenda Rayhem
Date: Sun, Aug 23, 2009 at 1:45 AM
Subject: Re: Monday's Garage Sale

Brenda,

I understand if you feel uncomfortable taking a gift from somebody you just met. But, as things stand, I feel that we have a heartfelt friendship ahead of us, so you need not feel uncomfortable! Would you like me to wrap the comforter, or would you have me not bother?

Thanks!




From: Brenda Rayhem
To: William Manning
Date: Mon, Aug 24, 2009 at 6:23 PM
Subject: Re: Monday's Garage Sale

Nobody showed up today an you better consider yourself lucky. The cops were waiting for you and have your email. If you ever email me again I am suing you for harassment.

bye





From: William Manning
To: Brenda Rayhem
Date: Mon, Aug 24, 2009 at 6:43 PM
Subject: Re: Monday's Garage Sale

Oh, dear Brenda! Verily, I did make an appearance at your residence today, and I did indeed leave you with a gift! Unfortunately, it was rather hot today, and all my shorts were busy in the washing machine, so I had to wear pants, and my car is in the shop after I ran over a small family of quail and they made my intake screwy. So needless to say, I did not want to lug around an amazing comforter for fear of sweating profusely on it. Therefore, I asked my friend Willoughby to drop me and my dog Doug off in your neighborhood. We walked the block several times, and Doug left you a surprisingly tasty treat in your front yard. I got your address so I can send you a care package, which will include the comforter that you so intensely desire!

I saw no cops.

William



From: Brenda Rayhem
To: William Manning
Date: Mon, Aug 24, 2009 at 6:59 PM
Subject: Re: Monday's Garage Sale

I will say this one last time. I do not want any of your crap and you didn't come by with a dog today. I was watching and you didn't even get my address. Only one person walked by today with a dog and it wasnt you.



From: William Manning
To: Brenda Rayhem
Date: Mon, Aug 24, 2009 at 7:07 PM
Subject: Re: Monday's Garage Sale

You don't know me or Doug. Don't judge. You are just jealous that I made your items better and that makes you made. Hope your jealously doesn't inhibit our friendship. I'll send you my address when I mail you the comforter.




From: Brenda Rayhem
To: William Manning
Date: Mon, Aug 24, 2009 at 7:19 PM
Subject: Re: Monday's Garage Sale

We are not friends. Stop messaging me or you will find the cops at your door.





From: William Manning
To: Brenda Rayhem
Date: Mon, Aug 24, 2009 at 7:27 PM
Subject: Re: Monday's Garage Sale

Yes we are.

Ever had shellfish?

To a lesbian couple renting out a room in their apartment:

From: William Manning
To: Alessa B.
Date: Mon, July 6, 2009 at 6:35PM
Subject: Room for Rent

Hello!
My name is William, but you can call me Bill. I just moved to Austin from Marble Falls, and am staying with a friend of mine. The place you posted sounds great! I feel that you should know a few things about me. I do not smoke, nor do I drink. Drugs are out of the question for me. If you or your housemate do drugs, I would appreciate it if you did it without my knowledge. I know Austin is known for being some "liberal", "progressive" town, and from what I've seen, it's full of nothing but hippies. But that's all right, as long as I'll be living near Manchaca, far from the hustle and bustle of the city. I get off work at 8:00PM Monday-Friday, and insist on at least two hours of quiet time so that I may read the Bible that I have had for over 20 years. I am not one of those Christians that will immediately or militantly try to convert you to Jesus' love. However, after a few months, I am sure that you will see the "light", as it were, and convert from your sinful ways. I also have a zebra fish in a small aquarium.
I would love to hear back from you!
Yours in Christ,
William



From: Alessa B.
To: William Manning
Date: Mon, July 6, 2009 at 7:42PM
Subject: Room for Rent

You're an asshole and I hope your version of "Jesus" can save you from all the "liberal hippies" in Austin, you are in the WRONG place to be spreading this kind of bullshit. We are both Christians and have personal relationships with Christ that don't require your version of the Bible. Ever had shellfish? Then you're going to hell too, see you there.




From: William Manning
To: Alessa B.
Date: Mon, July 6, 2009 at 8:17PM
Subject: Room for Rent

Dear Alessa,
You have me all wrong! I am not looking to witness! I simply feel that my overwhelming charisma will win you over. I am sorry if you misinterpreted my last email. However, I do not feel that I am going to hell. No, I have never eaten shellfish, nor do I wear clothes of mixed cloths, and I stone adulterers when the opportunity presents itself (which was only once).
I am looking forward to moving in with you and your partner! Seeing as how you are both Christians, we can spend many a night discussing the Bible over a delicious meal! The meal will, of course, be prepared by me, as I have impeccable culinary skills, not to mention several food allergies. I simply could not trust somebody else to cook for me. No offense to your cooking, of course! I'm sure you are an exquisite chef, but my health restrictions have seriously limited my palate.
Yours in Christ,
William