Ever had shellfish?

To a lesbian couple renting out a room in their apartment:

From: William Manning
To: Alessa B.
Date: Mon, July 6, 2009 at 6:35PM
Subject: Room for Rent

Hello!
My name is William, but you can call me Bill. I just moved to Austin from Marble Falls, and am staying with a friend of mine. The place you posted sounds great! I feel that you should know a few things about me. I do not smoke, nor do I drink. Drugs are out of the question for me. If you or your housemate do drugs, I would appreciate it if you did it without my knowledge. I know Austin is known for being some "liberal", "progressive" town, and from what I've seen, it's full of nothing but hippies. But that's all right, as long as I'll be living near Manchaca, far from the hustle and bustle of the city. I get off work at 8:00PM Monday-Friday, and insist on at least two hours of quiet time so that I may read the Bible that I have had for over 20 years. I am not one of those Christians that will immediately or militantly try to convert you to Jesus' love. However, after a few months, I am sure that you will see the "light", as it were, and convert from your sinful ways. I also have a zebra fish in a small aquarium.
I would love to hear back from you!
Yours in Christ,
William



From: Alessa B.
To: William Manning
Date: Mon, July 6, 2009 at 7:42PM
Subject: Room for Rent

You're an asshole and I hope your version of "Jesus" can save you from all the "liberal hippies" in Austin, you are in the WRONG place to be spreading this kind of bullshit. We are both Christians and have personal relationships with Christ that don't require your version of the Bible. Ever had shellfish? Then you're going to hell too, see you there.




From: William Manning
To: Alessa B.
Date: Mon, July 6, 2009 at 8:17PM
Subject: Room for Rent

Dear Alessa,
You have me all wrong! I am not looking to witness! I simply feel that my overwhelming charisma will win you over. I am sorry if you misinterpreted my last email. However, I do not feel that I am going to hell. No, I have never eaten shellfish, nor do I wear clothes of mixed cloths, and I stone adulterers when the opportunity presents itself (which was only once).
I am looking forward to moving in with you and your partner! Seeing as how you are both Christians, we can spend many a night discussing the Bible over a delicious meal! The meal will, of course, be prepared by me, as I have impeccable culinary skills, not to mention several food allergies. I simply could not trust somebody else to cook for me. No offense to your cooking, of course! I'm sure you are an exquisite chef, but my health restrictions have seriously limited my palate.
Yours in Christ,
William