Deplorable Christian Soldier

To a fellow pawning off used Christian/Faith books:

From: William Manning
To: Neal Fellowsby
Date: Fri, Jun 19, 2009 at 5:00 AM
Subject: Christian and Faith Books

Dear brother in Christ,

My name is William Manning, and I found your ad online regarding the Christian and faith books for sale. You have offered your books for $20, and I find this to be an incredibly generous offer. I was wondering if you could give me more information about the books (their history, their value, etc). I am very interested in them. Thank you!

Yours in Christ,

William



From: Neal Fellowsby
To: William Manning
Date: Fri, Jun 19, 2009 at 10:03 PM
Subject: Christian and Faith Books

Hey man,

one is about a journey through faith.

another is a guys trip seeing other cultures and faith

one is about preaching and understanding preaching

i mean just go google them and you can get a much better description than what ill give you!

let me know

in christ

Neal



From: William Manning
To: Neal Fellowsby
Date: Sun, Jun 21, 2009 at 2:47 AM
Subject: Christian and Faith Books

Brother Neal

I would Google your books, if I had a list of them. Unfortunately I don't have that list in front of me. If you haven't sent me a list by the morning, I am assuming I will still have it by then. I will pray for several minutes tonight before departing consciousness for the Lord to deliver me the names of the books. I know God does not grant tangible items to the selfish, but I must admit that this is a guilty pleasure of mine. Speaking of which, I would like your opinion on the matter. Do you feel that I will go to hell if I pray for God to grant me things? I find myself to be a child of God with a pure heart, but I don't know, the Lord works in mysterious ways. Anyways...

Yours in Christ,

William


From: Neal Fellowsby
To: William Manning
Date: Sun, Jun 21, 2009 at 8:50 AM
Subject: Christian and Faith Books

Is God Calling Me? by Jeff Iorg (quantity 10)
Devos for Sports Fans by John and Kathy Hillman
The Case for Faith by Lee Strobel (Includes DVD)
He Is Not Silent by R. Albert Mohler, Jr.
The Unexpected Adventure by Lee Strobel and Mark Mittelberg

know you wont go to hell asking for things...you shouldnt cause in the bible it says God provides for all your NEEDS. but you wont go to hell for asking. everyone has guilty pleasures



From: William Manning
To: Neal Fellowsby
Date: Mon, Jun 22, 2009 at 12:50 AM
Subject: Christian and Faith Books

Neal

I have looked up your collection online, and it only intrigued me further! However, I feel that a man who is obviously loved by God as much as you should ask for much more than a mere $20! Could I offer you $19 and a picture of a framed portrait of our Virgin of Guadalupe? It has been in my family for over 2 years, and it is one of my most famous possessions! Everyone who comes over asks about it! It is 8ftx11ft and hangs just inside of my front door. I've gotten almost ten questions about it already! Thank you so much for existing, brother Neal

Yours in Christ,

William



From: Neal Fellowsby
To: William Manning
Date: Mon, Jun 22, 2009 at 3:23 PM
Subject: Christian and Faith Books

I don't really want your painting man money will do



From: William Manning
To: Neal Fellowsby
Date: Mon, Jun 22, 2009 at 9:24 PM
Subject: Christian and Faith Books

Oh, no! It's not a painting at all! It's a PICTURE of a portrait of a painting. It is much more eclectic and spiritual than a mere painting. How many people can you honestly say own something quite as unique as this? The picture fills me with joy, and I am sure you would love to have it in your home. It livens any room it resides in! I have attached a picture of the image. While it is not the original, it is the exact same image. I'm sure that once you see it, as long as you are a true believer, you will absolutely die for it.

William






From: Neal Fellowsby
To: William Manning
Date: Mon, Jun 22, 2009 at 9:55 PM
Subject: Christian and Faith Books

dude i am a true believer. but i dont want your art man. im sorry but i dont dude.




From: William Manning
To: Neal Fellowsby
Date: Mon, Jun 22, 2009 at 11:23 PM
Subject: Christian and Faith Books

No no, it's not MY art! I think you have overestimated my skills, I could not possibly create something as awe-inspiring as this image. I'm assuming you are confused as to what I will be sending you. When should I get this to you? I can either drop it off in front of your place, or we can get together somewhere for drinks at a burger joint or something, and I can give it to you then! I'm looking forward to these books, Neal!

William



From: Neal Fellowsby
To: William Manning
Date: Mon, Jun 22, 2009 at 11:43 PM
Subject: Christian and Faith Books

yeah i know you didnt paint it. i got that much. i dont want it man like at all i dont want it. all im looking for is cash! if its so inspring to you, you should keep it!



From: William Manning
To: Neal Fellowsby
Date: Mon, Jun 22, 2009 at 11:53 PM
Subject: Christian and Faith Books

Oh no, that's perfectly all right, I have several copies of it in an old box under my bed. I would not at all be sorry to lose but one of these images, as it would spread the joy of our Lord to the masses! However, I understand if you do not want to trade some picture for a slew of books. I can throw in my crucifix for you, as my second offer! The crucifix is made of real, solid wood, and the Lord Himself is cast in pure bronze. I have attached a picture so that you may appreciate it.

William





From: Neal Fellowsby
To: William Manning
Date: Tue, Jun 23, 2009 at 9:24 AM
Subject: Christian and Faith Books

Cash! All i want is cash!



From: William Manning
To: Neal Fellowsby
Date: Wed, Jun 24, 2009 at 5:22 PM
Subject: Christian and Faith Books

Brother Neal,

Let me remind you of the fair and holy words of our good saint Matthew: "Do not worry, then, saying 'What will we eat?' or 'What will we drink?' or 'What will we wear for clothing?' For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." (Mat 6:31-33, of course)

Now, I have followed the Lord's word, as it is spoken in Deuteronomy 16:17 "Every man shall give as he is able, according to the blessing of the LORD your God which He has given you"

Now, Neal, I'm sure you can understand that I am truly praising the Lord by giving you these fair gifts in exchange for your books. If you fear the eternal fires of hell (as all good Christians undoubtedly should), I would follow the word of the good Book.

God's love,

William



From: Neal Fellowsby
To: William Manning
Date: Wed, Jun 24, 2009 at 5:53 PM
Subject: Christian and Faith Books

what does that mean? i'm tired of this. do you want the fucking books or not?



From: William Manning
To: Neal Fellowsby
Date: Wed, Jun 24, 2009 at 6:22 PM
Subject: Christian and Faith Books

Brother Neal,

Oh my. I am shocked and slightly appalled at your language. A Christian disciple such as yourself should know better than to take our Lord's name in vain.



From: Neal Fellowsby
To: William Manning
Date: Wed, Jun 24, 2009 at 6:46 PM
Subject: Christian and Faith Books

i ddin't even used his name in vain what the fuck are you talking about stop emailing me! you are a moron and wasting my time.



From: William Manning
To: Neal Fellowsby
Date: Wed, Jun 24, 2009 at 6:52 PM
Subject: Christian and Faith Books

Good sir, I am again shocked and appalled. May I have those books, please?



From: Neal Fellowsby
To: William Manning
Date: Wed, Jun 24, 2009 at 7:25 PM
Subject: Christian and Faith Books

i dont want that fuckign picture and i dont want your statue. youre not getting any books from me so stop emailing me.



From: William Manning
To: Neal Fellowsby
Date: Wed, Jun 24, 2009 at 6:52 PM
Subject: Christian and Faith Books

You, my fine friend in Christ, are a deplorable Christian soldier.




From: Neal Fellowsby
To: William Manning
Date: Wed, Jun 24, 2009 at 7:25 PM
Subject: Christian and Faith Books

wtf I am not a bad Christian. stop emailing me or i am calling the cops.




From: William Manning
To: Neal Fellowsby
Date: Thur, Jun 25, 2009 at 3:43 AM
Subject: Christian and Faith Books

Good sir,

What will you possibly tell the police officers that you call? "Hello, my name is Neal and I am calling to report a man who is trying to save me from eternal damnation. I would really love to spend the rest of my life in hell"? Think, sir, think.

William



From: Neal Fellowsby
To: William Manning
Date: Thur, Jun 25, 2009 at 11:23 AM
Subject: Christian and Faith Books

fuck off



From: William Manning
To: Neal Fellowsby
Date: Thur, Jun 25, 2009 at 3:21 PM
Subject: Christian and Faith Books

I apologize for having to deny your last request. I am unmarried, so cannot have carnal relations with a woman. I dare not ignore the word of the good Book, hence I will spend eternity in paradise, unlike certain individuals who refuse the love of our Lord and Savior.

Best regards,

William

Maid of Honor Dress

To a woman trying to sell an old maid of honor dress:


From: William Manning
To: Jennifer Gangstad
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 5:59 AM
Subject: Maid of Honor Dress

Hello! I am replying to your ad about the Peridot maid of honor dress. The dress reminds me so much of another piece I used to have, but unfortunately grew out of. One too many years of cubicle work and brewskies will do unfortunate things to ones' figure. But I have overcome any self-conscious feelings, and have decided that it is time to try to fit into a 18 again. Your ad stated that the price was negotiable, but listed as $125. Would you be willing to accept $75 and an item valued at no less than $50?
William



From: Jennifer Gangstad
To: William Manning
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 1:04 PM
Subject: Re: Maid of Honor Dress


HELLO THERE WAS SOMETHING I FORGOT TO PUT IN THE AD MY SISTERS WEDDING WAS ON BRIDEZILLAS THE DRESS IS ALSO ON THE SHOW. WHERE DO YOU LIVE? I LIVE IN BROWNWOOD BUT WILL BE IN AUSTIN ON THE 28TH OR 29TH OF THIS MONTH IN A LITTLE OVER A WEEK PLEASE LET ME KNOW THANKS
Jennifer Gangstad




From: William Manning
To: Jennifer Gangstad
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 3:06 PM
Subject: Re: Maid of Honor Dress

Jennifer,

I live in Waco, a short drive east of Brownwood. The fact that the dress was on a rather well-known TV show changes my offer! I absolutely love that show. I would watch it with my godchild, Albert, when I was still allowed to see him. So this dress now offers me some sense of nostalgia! So my new offer is as follows: $100 cash and an item worth no less than $100.



From: Jennifer Gangstad
To: William Manning
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 3:41 PM
Subject: Re: Maid of Honor Dress

I can mail the dress to you I forgot about that if you want me to do that. You can either send me the money via western union. Or money gram and as soon As I get the money I will send it that day I just need your address just let me know ok and 100 is fine I know you will enjoy the dress as much as I did but I only wore it for a couple of hrs just let me know k
Jennifer Gangstad




From: William Manning
To: Jennifer Gangstad
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 4:12 PM
Subject: Re: Maid of Honor Dress

Before I give you any personal contact information, I would like to know a few things about the dress. First of all, I am in no way a slim man. My measurements are 38"x34"x36", so would this dress fit my figure well? If it is a two-piece, I would like having a LITTLE belly exposed, but not too much--I don't want to have to shave more of my stomach than necessary. I am thick in the thighs, but not in the bottom, so could the dress fit width-wise? I plan on going to Austin in about two weeks and spend many hours on 6th Street. I hope to look as good as possible. You know the dress better than I, so I hope I am not overestimating the size of this dress.

William


From: Jennifer Gangstad
To: William Manning
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 4:33 PM
Subject: Re: Maid of Honor Dress

No I is a one piece dress the only will you will probably need to wear a Padded bra. it will fit perfect the dress is also. Has spaghetti strap which is a plus
Jennifer



From: William Manning
To: Jennifer Gangstad
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 5:08 PM
Subject: Re: Maid of Honor Dress

...What? I'm sorry, but the last few emails were rather unintelligible. I believe I got the gist of it, though. So you will include a padded bra? That sweetens the pot quite a bit. I always feel awkward buying bras for myself, so from time to time I have to ask a friend to buy them for me. Will spaghetti straps expose too much of my back? I have some patchy back hair and a mild case of bacne. What're we talking exposure-wise with regards to my back? Thank you for being so helpful!

William



From: Jennifer Gangstad
To: William Manning
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 5:48 PM
Subject: Re: Maid of Honor Dress

No I'm sorry it does not have a bra with it. The dress comes with a shawl so you should not be able to see much of your back, only your shoulders. Get one of your female friends to buy you a strapless bra and you will look fabulous!
Jennifer



From: William Manning
To: Jennifer Gangstad
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 6:08 PM
Subject: Re: Maid of Honor Dress

Oh I am so excited about this dress!! I'm even more excited about having made a new friend! It's so nice that you would call yourself a "female friend" of mine!!! Do you like putt-putt? I love getting all snazzy and playing a few rounds! One of my favorite places is this putt-putt place in Austin that has a giant T-Rex. Since you're going to Austin on the 28th or 29th, maybe we could meet up and play some putt-putt! If you enjoy classy bars, I have one in mind that ALL the cutest Austin boys hang out at. I'm giddy with excitement!


From: Jennifer Gangstad
To: William Manning
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 6:14 PM
Subject: Re: Maid of Honor Dress

I am married my husband probably would not like that too much
Jennifer



From: William Manning
To: Jennifer Gangstad
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 6:18 PM
Subject: Re: Maid of Honor Dress

The bar is called Rain! It is a gay bar, so you can tell your husband that none of the men will be hitting on you! Maybe I can meet your husband, too! He must be a good man to be married to somebody who can own a dress as lovely as yours! Which day works best for putt-putt for you? I can most easily do the 29th, but the 28th works well, too! Looking forward to it Jennifer!

William




From: Jennifer Gangstad
To: William Manning
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 6:30 PM
Subject: Re: Maid of Honor Dress

I am not sure if we will be able To we are only gonna pass through. We have to be in san Antonio to meet some people
Jennifer Gangstad



From: William Manning
To: Jennifer Gangstad
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 6:35 PM
Subject: Re: Maid of Honor Dress

That's a great idea! I adore San Antonio! So we'll meet for some mini-golf, and take a road trip to San Antonio! How are we getting down there? I don't have a car of my own at the moment, so I'd need to ride with you. I can bring my road trip mix, but it's on cassette. So I hope your car has a cassette player. If not, I can bring my tape player, and we can listen to all the best music! How long are we staying in San Antonio?

William



From: Jennifer Gangstad
To: William Manning
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 6:48 PM
Subject: Re: Maid of Honor Dress

If you are still interested in buying the dress let me know and if you want you can pay by money gram or western union when you pay for it let me know. And I will mail it to you



From: William Manning
To: Jennifer Gangstad
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 6:53 PM
Subject: Re: Maid of Honor Dress

How about I just give you cash when I see you?

William



From: Jennifer Gangstad
To: William Manning
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 6:53 PM
Subject: Re: Maid of Honor Dress

That would be ok only that I also put the dress on ebay I haven't cked to see if anyone has placed a bid I did not want the dress tosit in the closet that is why I put it on craigs list and ebay so if you really want the dress I suggest that you pay by westrern union or money gram and I can mail it to you after you pay for it and it should get to you via mail in a Couple of days after that
Jennifer Gangstad




From: William Manning
To: Jennifer Gangstad
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 7:03 PM
Subject: Re: Maid of Honor Dress

I'm sorry if you can't accept cash. I understand that as this will be my first meeting with your family, I'd rather look professional and pay you by check.



From: Jennifer Gangstad
To: William Manning
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 7:21 PM
Subject: Re: Maid of Honor Dress

If you want to mail me a ck you can once I cash it I will sent the dress just let me know if you want to do that
Jennifer Gangstad




From: William Manning
To: Jennifer Gangstad
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 7:31 PM
Subject: Re: Maid of Honor Dress

So are you rejecting my offer of an amazing friendship? If so, I have to tell you that I am thoroughly offended. You are just another one of those people that hate me because I don't fit the typical profile of a "man." I took you for a good person. I truly hope that you are better than that. Don't let me down, Jennifer. I am still intrigued by the dress.

William




From: Jennifer Gangstad
To: William Manning
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 7:31 PM
Subject: Re: Maid of Honor Dress

That's not it we can be friends I just have a lot of family stuff to deal with now so I can't meet you. Hope no hard feelings
Jennifer Gangstad




From: William Manning
To: Jennifer Gangstad
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 7:51 PM
Subject: Re: Maid of Honor Dress

I understand. You think that I'm some "sensitive" wuss who can't handle the fact that you actually are intolerant of people who are not in the norm. I realize that you're lying when you say we can't be friends. I cannot believe how insensitive you are being right now, Jennifer.




From: Jennifer Gangstad
To: William Manning
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 8:01 PM
Subject: Re: Maid of Honor Dress

I AM NOT BEING INSENSITIVE. PLEASE STOP EMAILING ME.



From: William Manning
To: Jennifer Gangstad
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 8:17 PM
Subject: Re: Maid of Honor Dress

You're a terrible friend.

I Will Take the Rock and the Marmot

A man attempting to sell/trade his 1,200 Yu-Gi-Oh trading cards:

From: William Manning
To: Jim Yourke
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 6:28 AM
Subject: Yu-Gi-Oh Cards

Mr./Ms. Yu-Gi-Oh,

My name is William, and I live on 162nd and Grant, so around your area. I heard about your offer through a friend of mine, who is an avid collector. I am rather new to this specific field of cards, but am no novice when it comes to collecting. I am willing to trade you well over $400 worth of vintage NASCAR trading cards for your collection of 1,200 cards. I had my friend, Seamus, appraise the list for me, and I am impressed. I believe that this is just what I need to jump start my Yu-Gi-Oh collection! If you are interested, I have listings of all my cards and their respective pricings.

William



From: Jim Yourke
To: William Manning
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 8:37 AM
Subject: Re: Yu-Gi-Oh Cards

Let me know what else u got???



From: William Manning
To: Jim Yourke
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 2:57 PM
Subject: Re: Yu-Gi-Oh Cards

Good sir, one question mark will suffice. I recognize a sentence ending with a question mark as a question. Three make me uncomfortable, as it is too asymmetrical. Anyhow, to trading... My cousin-in-law Joseph just moved out of his parents' house into an apartment, and had to give up his pets. I received his marmot, Steve, who cost Joseph a good $350. He is a good pet who makes very little noise, and doesn't chew on anything other than my used socks. I think he likes the smell. I recently bathed him and trimmed his unruly pelt, so I'm assuming his monetary value has at least risen $30. You may feel free to sell him or keep him as your own.



From: Jim Yourke
To: William Manning
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 3:23 PM
Subject: Re: Yu-Gi-Oh Cards

So what dose he comes with



From: William Manning
To: Jim Yourke
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 3:35 PM
Subject: Re: Yu-Gi-Oh Cards

Steve comes with all the accouterments common to marmots. I have inherited (and am willing to give you) an over-sized hamster ball typically used for ferrets. I have a large terrarium for him, but that is mostly for him to sleep in. He doesn't enjoy being cooped up for more than six or seven hours a day. I also have a 30-lb bag of bedding for him, which should last a good 18 months. He eats melon rinds and miscellaneous vegetables. You can just give him leftovers (as long as it's not meat), and he will love you forever. I also have a 250 page marmot instruction manual, and an extensive collection of marmot toys.



From: Jim Yourke
To: William Manning
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 3:44 PM
Subject: Re: Yu-Gi-Oh Cards

U said u had other stuff can u tell me of all the things u have to trade. because i like the the offer but I don't know if my wife is going to like it I have too talk to her when she gets home.but let me know what else u got

From: William Manning
To: Jim Yourke
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 4:05 PM
Subject: Re: Yu-Gi-Oh Cards

Well, in the same vein of pets, I have a cobalt blue tarantula from Myanmar. Her name is Nargis (after the cyclone that hit Myanmar), and she is a gorgeous shade of cobalt. When I first got her, she was rather timid and spent most of her time in her burrow. However, after some prodding and tempting with dead mice, she came out of her hole and since then, she has been a lovely out-of-the-house critter. She eats primarily mice, but it is possible to feed her crickets and raw meat. From time to time, she will jump repeatedly at the sides of the terrarium, but this is just her way of showing affection. I would not advise putting any body part near her.
I still have many options available.

William



From: Jim Yourke
To: William Manning
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 4:09 PM
Subject: Re: Yu-Gi-Oh Cards

Sorry tarantula is a no my wife will kill me what else u got.




From: William Manning
To: Jim Yourke
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 4:22 PM
Subject: Re: Yu-Gi-Oh Cards

Are you sure you don't want the tarantula? It is absolutely beautiful, and has an amazing sheen when in the right light. She requires an almost constant supply of water, so you need to wet her sponge four or five times a day. She loves to sit on the damp sponge, so you will have to find a way to remove her from it before dousing it. If you're still hesitant on the tarantula, I have several archeological artifacts that I found while near Cholula in Puebla, Mexico. They are nearly priceless, but these Yu-Gi-Oh cards are far too tantalizing to pass up, and I have no desire to sell the artifacts myself. They have been appraised at almost $700. I have pictures.

William






From: Jim Yourke
To: William Manning
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 5:17 PM
Subject: Re: Yu-Gi-Oh Cards

wut do u know about it



From: William Manning
To: Jim Yourke
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 5:31 PM
Subject: Re: Yu-Gi-Oh Cards

Well, I'm no archaeologist, but my friend Craig who took me on the excavation is the stepson of a Mesoamerican anthropologist. He assured me it was legitimate. We pulled it from the remains of an ancient burial area, dated to appox. 1100AD. The symbols on the second complete row reportedly translate to either "arrow" or "insect." Craig even wrote a note of authentication that goes with the artifact!



From: Jim Yourke
To: William Manning
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 5:35 PM
Subject: Re: Yu-Gi-Oh Cards

Well I will take the rock and the marmot if u want .



From: William Manning
To: Jim Yourke
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 5:51 PM
Subject: Re: Yu-Gi-Oh Cards

Jim, I offered the artifact and the marmot separately for a reason. Call me superstitious, but because the "rock" was found near a burial mound, I feel that it is imbibed with some sort of supernatural force. My marmot, Steve, will NOT, under any circumstances, go near the rock. He is absolutely terrified of the thing. I attempted to put them in the same room, and Steve simply scurried into a corner and cowered for well over an hour until I moved the rock. You will need to make a decision between the two, or else offer something in addition to the Yu-Gi-Oh cards. I'm sure you can understand.

William



From: Jim Yourke
To: William Manning
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 6:51 PM
Subject: Re: Yu-Gi-Oh Cards

Ok then where r u coming from?? And do u have a pic of the marmot ?? And when can u come drop them off



From: William Manning
To: Jim Yourke
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 7:04 PM
Subject: Re: Yu-Gi-Oh Cards

I live on 162nd on the east side. I can drop them off any time after Friday. I am taking Steve to the veterinarian Friday morning to get a prescription for several ailments. Steve has worms, so you will have to watch his bottom and make sure there are not too many worms dropping on your floor. I believe he also has ocular loiasis, so he will need to take Ivermectin pills three or four times a day. The bill should be no more than $800, so you can just pay me in cash when I drop Steve off.




From: Jim Yourke
To: William Manning
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 7:42 PM
Subject: Re: Yu-Gi-Oh Cards

Well u should of had him healthy and fit and not try to pass off a sick animal for some cards.and for some more info my family is full of veterinarians so all my animal are good and healthy. and the first sign of sickness I take them to my uncle I don't have to wait and make them suffer until friday like some people. So u can bring the marmot if u want and I will take care of him or offer me some thing else .



From: William Manning
To: Jim Yourke
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 7:48 PM
Subject: Re: Yu-Gi-Oh Cards

I love Steve very much. I am not trying to "pass off" a sick animal. I just really need these cards to boost my collection! I will call Steve's vet and cancel the appointment right now. I'm sorry if you have gotten the idea that I do not like my marmot. I'm sure your uncle will take great care of him. I will need to know where to drop Steve and my artifact off. Several friends of mine will be coming along to say goodbye to Steve, and to put their final blessings on the Aztec rock. This shouldn't be a problem at all.



From: Jim Yourke
To: William Manning
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 7:56 PM
Subject: Re: Yu-Gi-Oh Cards

No that's fine I am nyc police officer u can drop it off 47th precinct in the bronx



From: William Manning
To: Jim Yourke
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 8:00 PM
Subject: Re: Yu-Gi-Oh Cards

Okay! So where should my friends have this goodbye party?



From: Jim Yourke
To: William Manning
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 8:04 PM
Subject: Re: Yu-Gi-Oh Cards

What party??? U drop him off say your good byes and off u go...



From: William Manning
To: Jim Yourke
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 8:08 PM
Subject: Re: Yu-Gi-Oh Cards

Yes, that's what I'm saying. I mean, we can call it a shindig if you want--it's doesn't HAVE to be a "party." I've told Charlie and Gina to bring punch, while Adrian's going to hang streamers. Is there any decent place to hang streamers at the 47th precinct? I'm not sure how many more people are coming, but I believe Adrian invited his lab partner, and maybe his lady friend. We'll just walk over there. You should bring some hats or maybe balloons. Steve would love that!



From: Jim Yourke
To: William Manning
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 8:26 PM
Subject: Re: Yu-Gi-Oh Cards

U sed u lived 162st now u are in walking distance of the 47th precinct. I don't know what u are up to and I don't care . Bring the marmot and the rock on sunday and if u waste my time or if the rock is something u made with a marker I am going to lock u and your friends up.. Ps there is going to be no party.



From: William Manning
To: Jim Yourke
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 8:41 PM
Subject: Re: Yu-Gi-Oh Cards

I'm sorry, I forgot that you requested that I not call it a "party." I meant shindig. I talked to Adrian, and he is bringing his lab partner. I don't know her, so I cannot speak to her character, but I'm sure anybody Adrian likes will be all right. I will see you on Sunday, but I don't know how I will recognize you. Can you wear a hat or something? Also, don't forget the balloons.



From: Jim Yourke
To: William Manning
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 8:45 PM
Subject: Re: Yu-Gi-Oh Cards

Your a stupid f**k



From: William Manning
To: Jim Yourke
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 8:48 PM
Subject: Re: Yu-Gi-Oh Cards

I hope you can give me a second chance. I'm sure that once you meet me on Sunday, you will like me. Not to mention that the marmot will completely win your heart.

PS. "You're"



From: Jim Yourke
To: William Manning
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 8:50 PM
Subject: Re: Yu-Gi-Oh Cards

You were trying to rob me and I would have shot u think about that...



From: William Manning
To: Jim Yourke
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 8:53 PM
Subject: Re: Yu-Gi-Oh Cards

But you would lose your badge! I wouldn't want you to lose your job because of some Yu-Gi-Oh cards!



From: Jim Yourke
To: William Manning
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 8:56 PM
Subject: Re: Yu-Gi-Oh Cards

I can see your a dum f**k stop writing me u p***y



From: William Manning
To: Jim Yourke
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 9:01 PM
Subject: Re: Yu-Gi-Oh Cards

Okay.


From: Jim Yourke
To: William Manning
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 9:04 PM
Subject: Re: Yu-Gi-Oh Cards

And how long did it take u to draw the pictures on the rock.
Ps stop playing yugioh and grow up



From: William Manning
To: Jim Yourke
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 9:09 PM
Subject: Re: Yu-Gi-Oh Cards

What?! You're insinuating that the rock is fake? I think I would have recognized marker on a rock as soon as I dug it from the ancient Mexican soil. Just because you cannot recognize history when you see it, doesn't mean the rest of us can't appreciate it! Also, if I stop playing Yu-Gi-Oh, I will lose almost all street cred! Surely a cop such as yourself can see the importance of street cred in a neighborhood such as this



From: Jim Yourke
To: William Manning
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 9:17 PM
Subject: Re: Yu-Gi-Oh Cards

What 162st or 229st u never left ny in your life. That's y u were giving me that rare rock for some yugiho cards man grow up street cred u must be like 16 and no more than 18 farts old. Just stay in school and say no to drugs u little fag



From: William Manning
To: Jim Yourke
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 9:21 PM
Subject: Re: Yu-Gi-Oh Cards

I feel that what you are saying is rather supercilious. Your pompousness and inconsistencies in your story have led me to believe that you never had any cards to begin with. I can't believe you'd put a completely fake ad up just trying to lure innocent people in, so that you may harass them endlessly. I say shame, my good sir. Shame. You have sure taken me for a ride.



From: Jim Yourke
To: William Manning
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 9:28 PM
Subject: Re: Yu-Gi-Oh Cards

Lol I can not put it better words that's what are doing to me but I will add u were trying to meet me some where with your friends and rob me but before that you were trying to scam me out of $$800 for a vet bill for some sick rat. are u crazy



From: William Manning
To: Jim Yourke
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 9:35 PM
Subject: Re: Yu-Gi-Oh Cards

So no shindig?

Ball Pythons

To a woman selling two baby ball pythons:


From: William Manning
To: Jessica G
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 7:04 AM
Subject: Baby Ball Pythons

A few questions, because this offer intrigues me:
1) How old are the pythons?
2) Are they siblings?
3) Could they successfully eat a tarantula?

William



From: Jessica G
To: William Manning
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 12:49 PM
Subject: Re: Baby Ball Pythons

The pythons are only a few months old. They're not siblings but they're roughly the same age give or take a couple days. And as far as I know I don't think they can eat tarantula? I've never looked into it. I just feed them hopper mice.

Jessica



From: William Manning
To: Jessica G
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 3:02 PM
Subject: Re: Re: Baby Ball Pythons

Jessica,

Do the pythons ever double-team a hopper mouse? Or do they each just eat one? If they're capable of teaming up, then I am confident that they could take down a tarantula. Also, would you consider pythons "babe-magnets?"



From: Jessica G
To: William Manning
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 4:07 PM
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Baby Ball Pythons

No.

Fern-sitter

In response to a 17-year-old looking for an in-home babysitting job:

From: William Manning
To: Liza
Date: Fri, Jun 12, 2009 at 7:23 PM
Subject: In Home & Overnight Babysitter :)

Hello!
I am writing in response to your ********** ad. I would love for you to sit for me! Although it may not be exactly what you're looking for, I have several ferns that require maintenance while I am at work during the days. I work Monday, Wednesday and Thursdays, so if any of those days are okay for you, it would be great!
I am a paleobotanist, and my ferns have strict dietary and watering needs, but nothing I'm sure you couldn't handle. I am currently researching the early- to post-Carboniferous era and these ferns are essential to my research! I am willing to compensate generously.
Would love to hear back from you!
William



From: Liza
To: William Manning
Date: Fri, Jun 12, 2009 at 7:37 PM
Subject: Re: In Home & Overnight Babysitter :)

Wow! Sorry if this is rude but are you for real or are you a bot? I mean I could do it, but really?


From: William Manning
To: Liza
Date: Fri, Jun 12, 2009 at 7:40 PM
Subject: Re: Re: In Home & Overnight Babysitter :)

No, I am not a bot. Just a word of warning, if you do suspect someone of being a bot, do not respond, as they will have you email address. HA! Now I've caught you. Just kidding, I am William Manning, and live in central Austin.
Now, Liza, if you are feeling up to the task, I will send you a list of responsibilities that you will have to fulfill in order to take appropriate care of my ferns. As cliche as it may seem, they are indeed my babies.
Hoping to hear from you,
William



From: Liza
To: William Manning
Date: Fri, Jun 12, 2009 at 7:56 PM
Subject: Re: Re: Re: In Home & Overnight Babysitter :)

Haha, I'm down. Lay iton me.



From: William Manning
To: Liza
Date: Fri, Jun 12, 2009 at 8:29 PM
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: In Home & Overnight Babysitter :)

Liza,
For reasons of specificity, I am sending you a list of my ferns, along with each of their individual needs. Each plant is labeled at my house, so you will not get confused.

I have 18 ferns of three different families. I have listed the families, and under each are the ferns and their specific familial needs.

Family: Marattiaceae (2 plants)
The plants' names are Stern and Calypso. These are the two plants under the 2500W infrared bulbs. They require exactly 250mL of distilled, deionized water every 65 minutes, which should allow for enough time for the xylem to absorb most of the water. Every two hours, mix in 1.5 tablespoons of calcium carbonate (CaCO3) to the top 1.2 inches of topsoil. 15 minutes after application of the CaCO3, combine 10 mL of iron ferroxide with 1.3g solidified nitrous chloride.

Family: Cibotaeceae (9 plants)
The plants' names are Liza Minelli (coincidence!), Manfred, Antioch, Uvake, Glyndall, Sprite, Triton, Denburry, and Jim. These nine plants are directly to the right of the Marattiaceae plants, under the blue grow-light. You will need to adjust the wattage of the lights every four hours, from 350 to 475W, which requires no more work than turning a dial. These plants require less watering than the previous family. Water them every 90 minutes with 175mL distilled, deionized water. WHILE, I repeat, WHILE watering these plants, please be sure to mix 2g bat guano every three times you water them. Luckily, these are relatively easy to care for. One more thing, you must stroke their frons with two fingers down the stoma (with the grain) right after you water/feed them.

Family: Salviniaceae (7 plants)
The plants' names are Ferny (I know, original), Jonathon, McCallum, Tercel, Hendrix, Louis, and Clark. This specific family of ferns requires the exact same care as the Cibotaeceae ferns above, only with a few additions. After you water AND feed these ferns (with guano), you must stroke the frons of these ferns with two fingers AGAINST the grain. This is very, very important. Every two hours and fourty minutes, you much use a pencil to aerate the topsoil. Make exactly 20 holes per 6" radius pot. This means that for my 12" diameter pots, you will need to make approximately 84 holes. One of my pots is well over 100" in diameter, so the aeration process should take no more than 20 minutes, culminating in approximately 700 holes.

For ALL of the plants sake, I have a constant soundtrack of the ambiant noise of the Amazonian basin playing, so as to recreate the noises of the ferns' families original ecosystems, 360+/- million years ago. This will hopefully not be a problem, but howler monkies are recorded sporadically, and may startle you from time to time. Not to worry, I do not actually own any howler monkies anymore.

Also, I will require your most recent high school transcript, or a signed and notarized report card of your high school biology and/or chemistry classes. I must know that you are a capable, reasonably intelligent woman, who will ensure the proper climate and survival of my precious plants.

If you are still up for the job, let me know.
William M.



From: William Manning
To: Liza
Date: Sat, Jun 13, 2009 at 2:29 PM
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: In Home & Overnight Babysitter :)

Liza,

I am a little concerned that you have not responded to my last email. You have been very prompt in your responses until now. I am hoping that the list of tasks was not too daunting for you. I realize that it seems like a lot of confusing work, but I have everything labeled and on a bookshelf in my house, ready-to-use. If you'd like, I can record the instructions on the tape recorder that I use to take audio notes on. You would not believe how handy a tape recorder is (even in this day and age!) when walking around the park, looking at all the beautiful types of ferns and cycads!

Furthermore, I withdraw my request for transcripts and your science qualifications. I'm sure you will understand that I need somebody reliable, but it seems that it will be nigh impossible to find somebody who is willing to give this information to a paleobotanist. You can work for me even without giving me any form of prerequisite! I am in serious need of a fern-sitter, and will compensate very generously!

Best regards,

William



From: William Manning
To: Liza
Date: Sun, Jun 14, 2009 at 1:18 AM
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: In Home & Overnight Babysitter :)

Liza,

It is 1:15AM now. I am assuming that you have decided to disregard my incredibly generous offer. That is okay, as I have several students who are willing to take me up on the offer. I am hesitant to hire them on, though, for they are pompous grad students who I am certain will attempt to take matters into their own hands and alter my fern-care routine. I am sorry to say that you are missing out on an amazing opportunity! My ferns (especially Liza Minelli), will be heartbroken that you cannot join them on their adventure through maturity.
William

From: Liza
To: William Manning
Date: Sun, Jun 14, 2009 at 12:39 PM
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: In Home & Overnight Babysitter :)

Well it's just that all of that is so much work! I am pretty positive I can do it.. And I'm interested.. but what are we talking pay wise?



From: William Manning
To: Liza
Date: Sun, Jun 14, 2009 at 4:59 PM
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: In Home & Overnight Babysitter :)

Oh, yes. It sounds like quite a bit of work indeed! But once you see these ferns for the first time, I am convinced that you will fall instantly in love with them, and caring for them should be a joy, rather than a burden! I know that once the plants began to sprout, I nearly fell on my knees out of ecstasy. Jim was the first one to sprout, but don't be mistaken! He is not my favorite. I cannot choose just one fern to call my favorite--I love them all endlessly. This has led to quite a few problems with girlfriends of mine, as they get rather jealous of how much I love my ferns. My latest girlfriend, Jeanavi, would complain that we couldn't have a single minute alone, because I was always concerned with my babies. On our first date, I brought Jeanavi back to my apartment to see the ferns, and she was impressed beyond all comprehension! Although later, she told me she was just being nice, but I think she's lying. There's no way one couldn't be enamored with my precious ferns.

So yes, the payment situation. As I said, I am willing to compensate generously for your services. I am willing to pay you $4.00/hr if you decide to work 20 hrs/wk. The minimum wage in Texas is $6.55, so you will of course, not be paid less than that. With that said, after six months of service, you will recieve one of my prized ferns. I have not decided which fern yet. My ferns have been priced at exactly $3,450. Since you are going to be paid (monetarily) $2.55 less than minimum wage, this means that after six months, you will be only $1,224 under the minimum wage, so the fern will put you over that amount by $2,226. So just think of it as making over $2,000 for free! If this works for you, just let me know!! If you would prefer a different form of payment, I am open to considerations.




From: Liza
To: William Manning
Date: Sun, Jun 14, 2009 at 5:02 PM
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: In Home & Overnight Babysitter :)

Where are you located at again?

The payment situation sounds perfect.. I really could use the money. And I know I could do this. Are you sure you want ME to do it?



From: William Manning
To: Liza
Date: Sun, Jun 14, 2009 at 5:16 PM
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: In Home & Overnight Babysitter :)

Oh, great! I'm so excited to have you care for my ferns! Although I am going to lament losing one of my plants, it will be well worth it to know that they are being taken care of. In the past, I have had people misunderstand my payment plan, and believe that I was going to pay them CASH in lieu of my fern, but nay! I am glad you realize that I am indeed paying you $4.00/hr AND a fern! My last "employee" did not realize this until the second month of work, so I was forced to give him two cuttings from my plant, since I could not obviously pay him with a full fern. He was rather disappointed, which is understandable, since he could not get the whole package!

I live on 113 West North Loop 78751. It is just east of Lamar, north of where Lamar and Guad split. My house is easily recognizable because of the fence and the spacious yard and lawn decor.




From: Liza
To: William Manning
Date: Sun, Jun 14, 2009 at 5:25 PM
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: In Home & Overnight Babysitter :)

He thought you were paying him 2000 dollars and the fern plus regular pay? I'm confused now haha.



From: William Manning
To: Liza
Date: Sun, Jun 14, 2009 at 5:35 PM
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: In Home & Overnight Babysitter :)

I'm surprised something as simple as a fern transaction could confuse you. I was under the impression that you were reasonably intelligent. Now I see why you balked at my request for a high school transcript. But let me explain it to you in terms that I feel you should understand.

I will pay you $4.00 an hour. After six months, you will be given a fern that is PRICED at $3,450. You will not actually receive the $3,450. You will receive a fern. Upon receiving the fern, you will be able to do with it what you please, as long as you don't sell it. I cannot stand to have you sell my fern-child. However, I will require that you sign a "no-competition" contract stating that you will not work for another paleobotanist, or become one yourself for a period no shorter than two years. After the two year period, you WILL be allowed to sell the fern. This ensures that you will not spread my secrets to competitors. I have had dozens of paleobotanists attempt to steal my ferns, as they have been deemed the best in the western hemisphere by the United Federation of Carboniferous Flora.



From: William Manning
To: Liza
Date: Mon, Jun 15, 2009 at 3:34 PM
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: In Home & Overnight Babysitter :)

Liza,

As it is taking you far too long for you to make a decision, I have moved on with my life and found a nice student of mine, Winston, to take the job that you so willfully ignored. Now please, please, for the love of god, stop pestering me with emails. Thank you.

William