Deplorable Christian Soldier

To a fellow pawning off used Christian/Faith books:

From: William Manning
To: Neal Fellowsby
Date: Fri, Jun 19, 2009 at 5:00 AM
Subject: Christian and Faith Books

Dear brother in Christ,

My name is William Manning, and I found your ad online regarding the Christian and faith books for sale. You have offered your books for $20, and I find this to be an incredibly generous offer. I was wondering if you could give me more information about the books (their history, their value, etc). I am very interested in them. Thank you!

Yours in Christ,

William



From: Neal Fellowsby
To: William Manning
Date: Fri, Jun 19, 2009 at 10:03 PM
Subject: Christian and Faith Books

Hey man,

one is about a journey through faith.

another is a guys trip seeing other cultures and faith

one is about preaching and understanding preaching

i mean just go google them and you can get a much better description than what ill give you!

let me know

in christ

Neal



From: William Manning
To: Neal Fellowsby
Date: Sun, Jun 21, 2009 at 2:47 AM
Subject: Christian and Faith Books

Brother Neal

I would Google your books, if I had a list of them. Unfortunately I don't have that list in front of me. If you haven't sent me a list by the morning, I am assuming I will still have it by then. I will pray for several minutes tonight before departing consciousness for the Lord to deliver me the names of the books. I know God does not grant tangible items to the selfish, but I must admit that this is a guilty pleasure of mine. Speaking of which, I would like your opinion on the matter. Do you feel that I will go to hell if I pray for God to grant me things? I find myself to be a child of God with a pure heart, but I don't know, the Lord works in mysterious ways. Anyways...

Yours in Christ,

William


From: Neal Fellowsby
To: William Manning
Date: Sun, Jun 21, 2009 at 8:50 AM
Subject: Christian and Faith Books

Is God Calling Me? by Jeff Iorg (quantity 10)
Devos for Sports Fans by John and Kathy Hillman
The Case for Faith by Lee Strobel (Includes DVD)
He Is Not Silent by R. Albert Mohler, Jr.
The Unexpected Adventure by Lee Strobel and Mark Mittelberg

know you wont go to hell asking for things...you shouldnt cause in the bible it says God provides for all your NEEDS. but you wont go to hell for asking. everyone has guilty pleasures



From: William Manning
To: Neal Fellowsby
Date: Mon, Jun 22, 2009 at 12:50 AM
Subject: Christian and Faith Books

Neal

I have looked up your collection online, and it only intrigued me further! However, I feel that a man who is obviously loved by God as much as you should ask for much more than a mere $20! Could I offer you $19 and a picture of a framed portrait of our Virgin of Guadalupe? It has been in my family for over 2 years, and it is one of my most famous possessions! Everyone who comes over asks about it! It is 8ftx11ft and hangs just inside of my front door. I've gotten almost ten questions about it already! Thank you so much for existing, brother Neal

Yours in Christ,

William



From: Neal Fellowsby
To: William Manning
Date: Mon, Jun 22, 2009 at 3:23 PM
Subject: Christian and Faith Books

I don't really want your painting man money will do



From: William Manning
To: Neal Fellowsby
Date: Mon, Jun 22, 2009 at 9:24 PM
Subject: Christian and Faith Books

Oh, no! It's not a painting at all! It's a PICTURE of a portrait of a painting. It is much more eclectic and spiritual than a mere painting. How many people can you honestly say own something quite as unique as this? The picture fills me with joy, and I am sure you would love to have it in your home. It livens any room it resides in! I have attached a picture of the image. While it is not the original, it is the exact same image. I'm sure that once you see it, as long as you are a true believer, you will absolutely die for it.

William






From: Neal Fellowsby
To: William Manning
Date: Mon, Jun 22, 2009 at 9:55 PM
Subject: Christian and Faith Books

dude i am a true believer. but i dont want your art man. im sorry but i dont dude.




From: William Manning
To: Neal Fellowsby
Date: Mon, Jun 22, 2009 at 11:23 PM
Subject: Christian and Faith Books

No no, it's not MY art! I think you have overestimated my skills, I could not possibly create something as awe-inspiring as this image. I'm assuming you are confused as to what I will be sending you. When should I get this to you? I can either drop it off in front of your place, or we can get together somewhere for drinks at a burger joint or something, and I can give it to you then! I'm looking forward to these books, Neal!

William



From: Neal Fellowsby
To: William Manning
Date: Mon, Jun 22, 2009 at 11:43 PM
Subject: Christian and Faith Books

yeah i know you didnt paint it. i got that much. i dont want it man like at all i dont want it. all im looking for is cash! if its so inspring to you, you should keep it!



From: William Manning
To: Neal Fellowsby
Date: Mon, Jun 22, 2009 at 11:53 PM
Subject: Christian and Faith Books

Oh no, that's perfectly all right, I have several copies of it in an old box under my bed. I would not at all be sorry to lose but one of these images, as it would spread the joy of our Lord to the masses! However, I understand if you do not want to trade some picture for a slew of books. I can throw in my crucifix for you, as my second offer! The crucifix is made of real, solid wood, and the Lord Himself is cast in pure bronze. I have attached a picture so that you may appreciate it.

William





From: Neal Fellowsby
To: William Manning
Date: Tue, Jun 23, 2009 at 9:24 AM
Subject: Christian and Faith Books

Cash! All i want is cash!



From: William Manning
To: Neal Fellowsby
Date: Wed, Jun 24, 2009 at 5:22 PM
Subject: Christian and Faith Books

Brother Neal,

Let me remind you of the fair and holy words of our good saint Matthew: "Do not worry, then, saying 'What will we eat?' or 'What will we drink?' or 'What will we wear for clothing?' For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." (Mat 6:31-33, of course)

Now, I have followed the Lord's word, as it is spoken in Deuteronomy 16:17 "Every man shall give as he is able, according to the blessing of the LORD your God which He has given you"

Now, Neal, I'm sure you can understand that I am truly praising the Lord by giving you these fair gifts in exchange for your books. If you fear the eternal fires of hell (as all good Christians undoubtedly should), I would follow the word of the good Book.

God's love,

William



From: Neal Fellowsby
To: William Manning
Date: Wed, Jun 24, 2009 at 5:53 PM
Subject: Christian and Faith Books

what does that mean? i'm tired of this. do you want the fucking books or not?



From: William Manning
To: Neal Fellowsby
Date: Wed, Jun 24, 2009 at 6:22 PM
Subject: Christian and Faith Books

Brother Neal,

Oh my. I am shocked and slightly appalled at your language. A Christian disciple such as yourself should know better than to take our Lord's name in vain.



From: Neal Fellowsby
To: William Manning
Date: Wed, Jun 24, 2009 at 6:46 PM
Subject: Christian and Faith Books

i ddin't even used his name in vain what the fuck are you talking about stop emailing me! you are a moron and wasting my time.



From: William Manning
To: Neal Fellowsby
Date: Wed, Jun 24, 2009 at 6:52 PM
Subject: Christian and Faith Books

Good sir, I am again shocked and appalled. May I have those books, please?



From: Neal Fellowsby
To: William Manning
Date: Wed, Jun 24, 2009 at 7:25 PM
Subject: Christian and Faith Books

i dont want that fuckign picture and i dont want your statue. youre not getting any books from me so stop emailing me.



From: William Manning
To: Neal Fellowsby
Date: Wed, Jun 24, 2009 at 6:52 PM
Subject: Christian and Faith Books

You, my fine friend in Christ, are a deplorable Christian soldier.




From: Neal Fellowsby
To: William Manning
Date: Wed, Jun 24, 2009 at 7:25 PM
Subject: Christian and Faith Books

wtf I am not a bad Christian. stop emailing me or i am calling the cops.




From: William Manning
To: Neal Fellowsby
Date: Thur, Jun 25, 2009 at 3:43 AM
Subject: Christian and Faith Books

Good sir,

What will you possibly tell the police officers that you call? "Hello, my name is Neal and I am calling to report a man who is trying to save me from eternal damnation. I would really love to spend the rest of my life in hell"? Think, sir, think.

William



From: Neal Fellowsby
To: William Manning
Date: Thur, Jun 25, 2009 at 11:23 AM
Subject: Christian and Faith Books

fuck off



From: William Manning
To: Neal Fellowsby
Date: Thur, Jun 25, 2009 at 3:21 PM
Subject: Christian and Faith Books

I apologize for having to deny your last request. I am unmarried, so cannot have carnal relations with a woman. I dare not ignore the word of the good Book, hence I will spend eternity in paradise, unlike certain individuals who refuse the love of our Lord and Savior.

Best regards,

William