Fern-sitter

In response to a 17-year-old looking for an in-home babysitting job:

From: William Manning
To: Liza
Date: Fri, Jun 12, 2009 at 7:23 PM
Subject: In Home & Overnight Babysitter :)

Hello!
I am writing in response to your ********** ad. I would love for you to sit for me! Although it may not be exactly what you're looking for, I have several ferns that require maintenance while I am at work during the days. I work Monday, Wednesday and Thursdays, so if any of those days are okay for you, it would be great!
I am a paleobotanist, and my ferns have strict dietary and watering needs, but nothing I'm sure you couldn't handle. I am currently researching the early- to post-Carboniferous era and these ferns are essential to my research! I am willing to compensate generously.
Would love to hear back from you!
William



From: Liza
To: William Manning
Date: Fri, Jun 12, 2009 at 7:37 PM
Subject: Re: In Home & Overnight Babysitter :)

Wow! Sorry if this is rude but are you for real or are you a bot? I mean I could do it, but really?


From: William Manning
To: Liza
Date: Fri, Jun 12, 2009 at 7:40 PM
Subject: Re: Re: In Home & Overnight Babysitter :)

No, I am not a bot. Just a word of warning, if you do suspect someone of being a bot, do not respond, as they will have you email address. HA! Now I've caught you. Just kidding, I am William Manning, and live in central Austin.
Now, Liza, if you are feeling up to the task, I will send you a list of responsibilities that you will have to fulfill in order to take appropriate care of my ferns. As cliche as it may seem, they are indeed my babies.
Hoping to hear from you,
William



From: Liza
To: William Manning
Date: Fri, Jun 12, 2009 at 7:56 PM
Subject: Re: Re: Re: In Home & Overnight Babysitter :)

Haha, I'm down. Lay iton me.



From: William Manning
To: Liza
Date: Fri, Jun 12, 2009 at 8:29 PM
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: In Home & Overnight Babysitter :)

Liza,
For reasons of specificity, I am sending you a list of my ferns, along with each of their individual needs. Each plant is labeled at my house, so you will not get confused.

I have 18 ferns of three different families. I have listed the families, and under each are the ferns and their specific familial needs.

Family: Marattiaceae (2 plants)
The plants' names are Stern and Calypso. These are the two plants under the 2500W infrared bulbs. They require exactly 250mL of distilled, deionized water every 65 minutes, which should allow for enough time for the xylem to absorb most of the water. Every two hours, mix in 1.5 tablespoons of calcium carbonate (CaCO3) to the top 1.2 inches of topsoil. 15 minutes after application of the CaCO3, combine 10 mL of iron ferroxide with 1.3g solidified nitrous chloride.

Family: Cibotaeceae (9 plants)
The plants' names are Liza Minelli (coincidence!), Manfred, Antioch, Uvake, Glyndall, Sprite, Triton, Denburry, and Jim. These nine plants are directly to the right of the Marattiaceae plants, under the blue grow-light. You will need to adjust the wattage of the lights every four hours, from 350 to 475W, which requires no more work than turning a dial. These plants require less watering than the previous family. Water them every 90 minutes with 175mL distilled, deionized water. WHILE, I repeat, WHILE watering these plants, please be sure to mix 2g bat guano every three times you water them. Luckily, these are relatively easy to care for. One more thing, you must stroke their frons with two fingers down the stoma (with the grain) right after you water/feed them.

Family: Salviniaceae (7 plants)
The plants' names are Ferny (I know, original), Jonathon, McCallum, Tercel, Hendrix, Louis, and Clark. This specific family of ferns requires the exact same care as the Cibotaeceae ferns above, only with a few additions. After you water AND feed these ferns (with guano), you must stroke the frons of these ferns with two fingers AGAINST the grain. This is very, very important. Every two hours and fourty minutes, you much use a pencil to aerate the topsoil. Make exactly 20 holes per 6" radius pot. This means that for my 12" diameter pots, you will need to make approximately 84 holes. One of my pots is well over 100" in diameter, so the aeration process should take no more than 20 minutes, culminating in approximately 700 holes.

For ALL of the plants sake, I have a constant soundtrack of the ambiant noise of the Amazonian basin playing, so as to recreate the noises of the ferns' families original ecosystems, 360+/- million years ago. This will hopefully not be a problem, but howler monkies are recorded sporadically, and may startle you from time to time. Not to worry, I do not actually own any howler monkies anymore.

Also, I will require your most recent high school transcript, or a signed and notarized report card of your high school biology and/or chemistry classes. I must know that you are a capable, reasonably intelligent woman, who will ensure the proper climate and survival of my precious plants.

If you are still up for the job, let me know.
William M.



From: William Manning
To: Liza
Date: Sat, Jun 13, 2009 at 2:29 PM
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: In Home & Overnight Babysitter :)

Liza,

I am a little concerned that you have not responded to my last email. You have been very prompt in your responses until now. I am hoping that the list of tasks was not too daunting for you. I realize that it seems like a lot of confusing work, but I have everything labeled and on a bookshelf in my house, ready-to-use. If you'd like, I can record the instructions on the tape recorder that I use to take audio notes on. You would not believe how handy a tape recorder is (even in this day and age!) when walking around the park, looking at all the beautiful types of ferns and cycads!

Furthermore, I withdraw my request for transcripts and your science qualifications. I'm sure you will understand that I need somebody reliable, but it seems that it will be nigh impossible to find somebody who is willing to give this information to a paleobotanist. You can work for me even without giving me any form of prerequisite! I am in serious need of a fern-sitter, and will compensate very generously!

Best regards,

William



From: William Manning
To: Liza
Date: Sun, Jun 14, 2009 at 1:18 AM
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: In Home & Overnight Babysitter :)

Liza,

It is 1:15AM now. I am assuming that you have decided to disregard my incredibly generous offer. That is okay, as I have several students who are willing to take me up on the offer. I am hesitant to hire them on, though, for they are pompous grad students who I am certain will attempt to take matters into their own hands and alter my fern-care routine. I am sorry to say that you are missing out on an amazing opportunity! My ferns (especially Liza Minelli), will be heartbroken that you cannot join them on their adventure through maturity.
William

From: Liza
To: William Manning
Date: Sun, Jun 14, 2009 at 12:39 PM
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: In Home & Overnight Babysitter :)

Well it's just that all of that is so much work! I am pretty positive I can do it.. And I'm interested.. but what are we talking pay wise?



From: William Manning
To: Liza
Date: Sun, Jun 14, 2009 at 4:59 PM
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: In Home & Overnight Babysitter :)

Oh, yes. It sounds like quite a bit of work indeed! But once you see these ferns for the first time, I am convinced that you will fall instantly in love with them, and caring for them should be a joy, rather than a burden! I know that once the plants began to sprout, I nearly fell on my knees out of ecstasy. Jim was the first one to sprout, but don't be mistaken! He is not my favorite. I cannot choose just one fern to call my favorite--I love them all endlessly. This has led to quite a few problems with girlfriends of mine, as they get rather jealous of how much I love my ferns. My latest girlfriend, Jeanavi, would complain that we couldn't have a single minute alone, because I was always concerned with my babies. On our first date, I brought Jeanavi back to my apartment to see the ferns, and she was impressed beyond all comprehension! Although later, she told me she was just being nice, but I think she's lying. There's no way one couldn't be enamored with my precious ferns.

So yes, the payment situation. As I said, I am willing to compensate generously for your services. I am willing to pay you $4.00/hr if you decide to work 20 hrs/wk. The minimum wage in Texas is $6.55, so you will of course, not be paid less than that. With that said, after six months of service, you will recieve one of my prized ferns. I have not decided which fern yet. My ferns have been priced at exactly $3,450. Since you are going to be paid (monetarily) $2.55 less than minimum wage, this means that after six months, you will be only $1,224 under the minimum wage, so the fern will put you over that amount by $2,226. So just think of it as making over $2,000 for free! If this works for you, just let me know!! If you would prefer a different form of payment, I am open to considerations.




From: Liza
To: William Manning
Date: Sun, Jun 14, 2009 at 5:02 PM
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: In Home & Overnight Babysitter :)

Where are you located at again?

The payment situation sounds perfect.. I really could use the money. And I know I could do this. Are you sure you want ME to do it?



From: William Manning
To: Liza
Date: Sun, Jun 14, 2009 at 5:16 PM
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: In Home & Overnight Babysitter :)

Oh, great! I'm so excited to have you care for my ferns! Although I am going to lament losing one of my plants, it will be well worth it to know that they are being taken care of. In the past, I have had people misunderstand my payment plan, and believe that I was going to pay them CASH in lieu of my fern, but nay! I am glad you realize that I am indeed paying you $4.00/hr AND a fern! My last "employee" did not realize this until the second month of work, so I was forced to give him two cuttings from my plant, since I could not obviously pay him with a full fern. He was rather disappointed, which is understandable, since he could not get the whole package!

I live on 113 West North Loop 78751. It is just east of Lamar, north of where Lamar and Guad split. My house is easily recognizable because of the fence and the spacious yard and lawn decor.




From: Liza
To: William Manning
Date: Sun, Jun 14, 2009 at 5:25 PM
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: In Home & Overnight Babysitter :)

He thought you were paying him 2000 dollars and the fern plus regular pay? I'm confused now haha.



From: William Manning
To: Liza
Date: Sun, Jun 14, 2009 at 5:35 PM
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: In Home & Overnight Babysitter :)

I'm surprised something as simple as a fern transaction could confuse you. I was under the impression that you were reasonably intelligent. Now I see why you balked at my request for a high school transcript. But let me explain it to you in terms that I feel you should understand.

I will pay you $4.00 an hour. After six months, you will be given a fern that is PRICED at $3,450. You will not actually receive the $3,450. You will receive a fern. Upon receiving the fern, you will be able to do with it what you please, as long as you don't sell it. I cannot stand to have you sell my fern-child. However, I will require that you sign a "no-competition" contract stating that you will not work for another paleobotanist, or become one yourself for a period no shorter than two years. After the two year period, you WILL be allowed to sell the fern. This ensures that you will not spread my secrets to competitors. I have had dozens of paleobotanists attempt to steal my ferns, as they have been deemed the best in the western hemisphere by the United Federation of Carboniferous Flora.



From: William Manning
To: Liza
Date: Mon, Jun 15, 2009 at 3:34 PM
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: In Home & Overnight Babysitter :)

Liza,

As it is taking you far too long for you to make a decision, I have moved on with my life and found a nice student of mine, Winston, to take the job that you so willfully ignored. Now please, please, for the love of god, stop pestering me with emails. Thank you.

William